d2d (oh yeah we're so back)

note removing financial category and replacing with social

Activity (10) - i left the house today to get groceries and stretched/yoga for 45 minutes, went to gym for 1.5 hour - my legs hurt kinda heavy but its weird to see how much better you feel after moving

Food (7.8) - kombucha + chipotle + greek yogurt w/ protein granola nd fzn fruit | good but not enough calories in general better options overall (need veggie!!!)

Mental (8.5) - similar to yesterday my headspace is really strong | all in all good day for my brain

Feeling (8) - definitely still stressed about the upcoming shit, had a meaningful converastion w gf about where im at and felt very received/loved | progress is progress

Social (4.2) - new category! covers interactions w/ everyone i got to talk to bo at the gym which was nice and vc w gf which is also nice | i said less than 100 words today till 8pm lol

Projects (6) - bar is a bit lower today i just worked on the mutual p2p app and obviously fixed photo carousel in the ams, going to be working on email list optimization and probably gonna try front end animations c: | claude tokens are crazy rn

Hobbies (9) - started phenomonmenology of mind (more hegel), 5 chapters in LN, i played 2 ranked league games and all high mmr players got rest (lost both but played well), i made my alt character in d4! im really appreciating the customization, gym time |

Overall (8.2) - good day! i'm glad i went to the store even though it was super exhausting and gym

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I'm gonna call new Hegel book PoS. Essentialy this silly german guy who already is kinda cracked out in thought made this one which is pretty hard to understand (my translation is kinda bad ill probs search for another copy). after literally 30 pages my head hurt - he ends up dealing in idealism that focus on absolute knowing (it sounds like a domain) pretty much a state of FULL understanding. its kinda sick but very clearly unattainable in the emotional sense (at least for me i think).

Hegel flow state (as i will be calling it) is actually super cool because its kinda used in modern day therapies as a way for people to breakdown how they are feeling and what they are thinking to the simplest form. I probably wont do it justice by explaining it here but although its from the 1800s i will be putting hegel flow state into practice more frequently. kinda just involves laying it all out in a linear chronological way and dismantling into a base line why/how for each piece of thought or feeling

which results in a really cool profound sense of self - i tried to practice how he described it but i have a lot going on so it was a little fuzzy but the clarity of what im experiencing was kinda cool. im hopefully going to keep reading and writing about this work i think its really interesting and a weird angle for existentialism that i like

sidebar - i realize there hasnt been any l'appel du vide since starting wellbutrin which is really weird - granted i wouldnt consider what i was experiencing that deep of a morbid curiosity but just like a baby toddler version of it - looking at it socially its a pretty standard thing which is pretty comforting but most have it significantly worse than me

shoutout my super cool awesome amazing sister for texting me for her sotd will be the first repeat in the history of tvd (ghost by kid cudi) she remembered that it was my favorite song from him c:

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deeper cut

what would you give up to be the best at something - to find success, to hit your goals, etc | i feel like most folks are complacent or comfortable in some capacity but i also feel like SO many people dont try at all. like they're comfortable in their suffering or anguish. luckily i am not suffering or in anguish (only sometimes) but i find that im getting closer to the line of needing to go to the next step of my life and do it without support of my friends. i've done it before long long ago and i settled into this home for the past 3 years and had a support structure through my friends/family. if i fuck up its entirely on me again - it feels like im 17 leaving my moms house for the first time again. I need a car, im meeting with a mortgage broker to determine my buying power, and i need to find a place and stick to it. theres lots of fun adventures along the way over the next couple of weeks/months (plant conf, bach party, renfaire, dnd, bron wedding, last house party, housepattcg launch, prism launch, etc) but fuck sometimes i feel like im alone in it or i cant talk about it (i think this is conditioning from sav bc she would have full scale meltdowns anytime i talked about anything remotely serious ¯_(ツ)_/¯ )(this is something i have taken note of and will work on)

its really mind boggling how everyone has to do this kinda stuff on their own and how i used to do it. i think theres some stuff i want to say but dont know how to say it this is a really really late night edit from when i originally typed everyhting (i hadnt read any hegel yet)

im remembering working with miladin and that one coffee run with jd at that super fucking nice cafe @ the avalon and both of them talking about being your own boss and taking care of yourself and role models and shit. i have partially become the person ive always wanted to be. i am becoming. i feel prideful in the sense that im coveted in a lot of aspects of life but im also so far from what i can and what I WILL be. i am appreciative of who i am physically mentally emotionally but im not enough (yet not in a weird hateful way lol). i know i can do better and i will do better. im good but i want to be great. im resilient but i want to be strong. im pretty but i want to be beautiful. im understanding but i want to be insightful. im the start of what can be honed into something truly amazing. i know im just kinda rambling at this point but this is kinda what this is about ya know. im just making a public note to myself that i am trying and i will continue to try for as long as i breathe. its okay to slip and fall as long as you get back up ya know. i am worth loving - im looking at old entries and fuck im such a chud T_T like dude get a grip u were him then and ur him now its okay to be a little chud every once in a while but you need to move with some more resolve. i had no objectives i was talking about being in the tunnel and wanting to be out of it. no conversation about effort just desire. i think the me i was in october would be really surprised at the me in april. with just thoughts and experiences and patterns.

im rereading this and it sounds prideful. its not that im full of myself i still think im like 4/10 (of arbitrary scale of me as a person overall) and i want to be a 7 or a 8 by the end of the year. i want my days to look like today where i make an effort and try and believe in myself regardless of whether im up or down im also a critic when it comes to scales and usually a low grader but things have been okay with getting help and medication. also rereading it seems kinda like cryptic and ambigous but its not at all just rambles and me wanting to do better for myself zzzz

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shredded dungeon masters breakdown - thomas