hi me (and folks if ur there)

im gonna pose a lot of this information in a direct way to myself and this is gonna be less openly talky? it still is my virtual "diary" but i think im shifting towards a more journally route then like little personal tidbits and insights.

okay past 7 month recap + highlights

• work essentially stopped entirely (like actual job stuff)
• off and on physical and mental health (mental health is actually really solid right now but physical not so much)(i am me so of course i still have my moments quite frequently but i always have)
• went back to therapy and saw a psychiatrist (we are medicated wellbutrin alklfg)
• lots of games, figuring out new projects, financial changes, new relationships, and internal thought processes changed
• new lovely gf (i havent communicated bringing her up by name here so that might come up soon :))
• ex gf straaaange stuff (she who shall not be named (i think thats the naming convention i used?))
• projects include the following: itx 5060 custom build desktop (what we using rn and built with gf!!!), ai listicle builder, prism (big one), housepattcg, datawarehouse builder, AND SOMEHOW I FORGOT TO MENTION JOHN BOT (i have a whole dev log for him that i might post)
• john bot is a whole separate thing and hes kinda massive (locally trained model using openclaw on a mac mini (i know hype beasts dont kill me)) talks like me codes like me (i know sad) delegates like me etc
• lost tens of thousands of dollars in the span of a week
• i havent played league of legends ranked solo/duo in several months (idk why but this feels really important)
• i dont remember if i previously talked about the closing of jd and i's work relationship but thats kinda springing back up in a weird way
• fixing relationships with my friends
• i have to move and need a new car T_T

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alright enough of that | what are my objectives with bringing this back?

overall i want to d2d again but instead have a strong consistent format categories are going to be activity/exercise, food, mental, feeling, financial, projects/work, hobbies and lastly goals. (this will be for the sake of watching growth and patterns within myself)

there will be each of those categories and shortly after a rating through 1-10 and im going to ATTEMPT to keep it to a sentence or two for the sake of consistency if theres something super notable then ill expand on it in the next sections. most definitely going to keep having random thought blurbs posts and vents (this will be coming back) so most of the time i will just have my one entry of the day talking about those categories and where im at. if i feel like posting something earlier or communicating something to myself that im excited or sad about then ill post an extra time that day with a much shorter format!

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HERES AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT THAT WOULD LOOK LIKE SO ILL DO TODAY

Activity (5.9) - i left the house today to get some chipotle by myself - sat outside and loitered for a bit, went to racetrack, and went on a nice evening stroll for half an hourish | solid i like this but need to get some actual exercise in

Food (3.5) - 2 8oz of white mocha espresso + chipotle + a redbull and a shit ton of water | very rough this is something i desperately want to work on

Mental (8.2) - only had one stressful moment out of habit today, excited for the future i plan on building (will expand on this later) | all in all good day for my brain

Feeling (7) - i frequently get emotional in the evening BUT no anxiety, generally happy/one low moments, definitely stressed about the upcoming shit in life but im feeling good about it | doing good now

Financial (4) - investor money afk in bank rn for prism, stocks are recovering (lowk saving grace), threatened by needing new car, new place to live | i have money but how comfortable can i get ya know?

Projects (8.5) - absolutely stellar with prism, local phone p2p app, excited for housepattcg, john bot back up and running, potential INSANE NUCLEAR HUGE client with jd, vaye back at work (legend) | really stoked but also scared shitless

Hobbies (9) - lots of d4 today, far far west w/ een + phi, coding casually, 20 chapters in LN im reading, and picked up new manhwa | i love games with my friends and cool stories and building shit

Goals (7) - made progress on a lot of things i think this category is hard because its lowkey an overall rating so i might change it to that | shrug

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and thats pretty much it yeah im gonna post this and then see if that formatting works and ill attach a screenshot on photo carousel if it looks funny as shit but we will see brb...

alright it worked flawlessly (it didnt i fucked up the file naming convention and title coding bc i forgot the format)

yk we gotta do a deeper cut per usual

its super late and im really tired. theres something really rewarding about building shit and making it work with your own two hands. i think i genuinely have a passion for creating not in a sense of creativeness but things to use? idk how to articulate it comfortably/properly but i fucking love learning. i was talking to gf about payment processors and their security today bc a collection of folks doing a certain thing but i rambled so hard (thank you my shayla for listening to me ramble) but it was so cool to slowly understand and piece together. I digress, building shit is cool and im really glad to be building these silly little mdxs again with stupid features that i write and break and get mad and then look at stack overflow and realize i know nothing but that i actually know a lot (this is a bad example i dont ever look at stack overflow for this but you get what you're saying). I desperately want to keep having these level days where my head and feelings remain static, not super low or super high just consistent and mindful. its definitely something i need to work on. when im with people its hard to take note of how im feeling or what im thinking which is a strange but nice change of pace. so when i sit alone for a while its really interesting to be thrown back into permanent internal monologue. brick by brick i shall grow and understand myself more and more. my desires and ambitions alongside. had a long pause here for a second because i didnt know what i wanted to say next but - feeling good and want to hangout with gf, friends, and family more (and keep up with people by keeping up i mean at least like a phone call or texting once a month bc i lowk have been shitty about that) I think im also kinda d1 yearning for my own private space and to read a bit more philosophy like i used to. i feel like i constantly ask a lot of questions of other people but people have asked me less and less and i think its because i talk too much when i do talk to people. yk the whole aura of the quiet person and when they do speak everyones like :O | but since im just permanent yap and curious about everything it feels like my friends are less inclined to ask me shit or check in on me? or just like to be asked something other than "what do you wanna eat/play" why isnt it ever like what are your thoughts on insert random topic here that im interested in or i want your opinion on. maybe this is a stretch and most people dont do that with their friends but i definitely feel like a couple years ago we were all always chopping it up and asking dumb shit of each other just for the sake of conversation. idk it might just be a one sided notion in my head that isnt the fact of the matter.

im really hesitant to share the url again i dont think anyone checks back to the website and sms/email notifications stopped but i think ill pick back up on the email list automation but hide it so i cant see who i automatically email (totally unsure about this) i might make a twitter post bc the one guy on buy me a coffee who still sends me a dollar once a month definitely came from there - shoutout that guy i hope hes doing okay. i hid all my analytics previously but i think ill look at them more to see if people come back

anyways ill probably elaborate more on all the other bs ive talked about here tomorrow or maybe ill be unlucky and have a sleepless night and come back. I will add photo or two, sotd, and brainstorm how to fix all my broken features on here lol

(v v late update: figured out why photo carousel was broken - when i upgraded next-mdx-remote from v5 to v6 it turned on a security flag called blockJS by default which was stripping out any javascript expressions in mdx props - so photos={[...]} was getting wiped to undefined before the component even rendered. one line fix: blockJS: false in the mdx config. kind of insane that this is the default behavior)

also if phi reads this its fucked up we didnt go to mcdonalds....

wait how do i sign out again? -thomas