tbh hard 2 d2d

• im really sick
• i think im getting better but alas
• extended conversation with everyone in the house about what the fuck is going on
• a lot of things i cant particularly talk about here but a good portion that i can and i can express how i feel about the future
• i got to sit with bran for a bit play some ow, watch him put up his tree it was really nice to spend time with him
• mini me got a car for her birthday absolutely stoked for her and she enjoyed her switch
• will proabbly go over there today and try to spend time helping setup for her birthday
• hygiene still on top i lowkey am gonna stop being critical of health for a little bit until i am recovered from my illness
• weird interaction last night with rain and ladybugs - talked to my mom about it she got emotional (as did i)
• excited to put forth time towards a lot of different things; however, concerned with relationships

relationships + deeper cut

im just gonna lay it out here - i got really fucked up a good handful of days ago. jk clesh and i were sitting on the kitchen floor and i had shared that i had fear in my heart of sharing too many things about how i feel/what i think. (out of fear of judgement or changing perception) which is just nuclear levels of fucked up to clesh. thats my best friend and weve been sharing shit together and standing in the storm since we were kids. i have no reason to fear sharing shit with him. it was awkward for a little bit and we had a conversation a bit later but i do want to say im sorry. i dont have a lot of regrets so far - but its definitely added to the lifetime regret list. granted it wasnt for too long and there were external factors that influenced me into being that way (not blaming that nor will i get into it) but i carried a lot of guilt because of that. i know at the end of the day him and i will figure it out and be okay as we always have because thats my brother through and through i just feel a lot of genuine shame and guilt. i cant imagine how it must feel from his end hearing me say that after literally all the insanity and bullshit him and i have experienced together. regardless im sorry. i want to go hit the pond or the lake with him and just do jack shit for a bit. i also want him to play more games with all the new people im coming across when hes comfortable because i think people who are important to me gotta be screened by him if that makes sense. i thnk he has a better sense for whether people are good/bad than i do.

ive been saying i want to spend more time with inner circle, i think the timing is really rough for everyone. hls is grinding @ work, dp literally has pneumonia, clesh going through it, im spending a lot of time w new people, and dealing w mom drama/taking care of mini me. im excited for the stillness to come. being healthy and going to get lunch or dinner or shoot the shit when im able bodied. playing cs yesterday even though im shit and its not a fun game, was really fun to play with een chroar and clesh. like just simple shit where i get to do dumb stuff with my friends and not worry about other things is such a pleasurable experience. i digress, i think i need to find a better way to make sure everyone feels heard/seen by me while i still maintain my own peace and get to kindly tend to the relationships i want to build. i can see it in the entries where im starting to play wow how excited i am to make new friends. not because mine arent legendary (they are legendary) but because i enjoy making friends and spending time with people.

when clesh and i talked he had also mentioned "what the fuck are you doing" (non-derogatory or maybe a little) and tbh after sitting on it for a bit - i dont know but im happy with my decisions. i think ive made enough moronic decisions in my time and it is what it is? like im glad im talking to the people im talking to and i wouldnt have it any other way. i am only bothered by the disturbances in my long standing relationships but at the end of the day man - i trust all the people i live with so fucking deeply. i know that if something was truly wrong or i needed help everyone would be there. just as i would be for all of them. i want to keep experiencing, learning, growing, and understanding. we have so much time to grow. i will continue to take advantage of that. on some cornball shit the conrad hall quote you are always a student, never a master. i will forever roll with the punches and experience things face first. always hit the ground running. and fuck i dont know if its a bad thing but im excited for the future and i dont know what it will bring in detail but i know damn well if i continue to shape it with my own two hands it will be beautiful.

the looming guilt of many things hangs over my head. if you sit with it instead of fighting it/sitting in it - it can help you figure out how to make things right and move forward. it can pave a path. guilt shows you care if its not for malicious reasons/actions. i will take this guilt and carry it with me as i always have but i will respect myself, the people ive lost, the bridges that have burned, and the people ive hurt.

(god this sounded so edgy lol i swear im not feeling edgy)

we're all living life for the first time - theres no people id rather do it with then the people im surrounded by.

some classics

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moola - like adam in the garden of eden -thomas