d2d

• im sick
• hygiene will always be on top
• food is okay
• my general health cant really be determined bc once again im rather sick
• mini mes birthday coming up ill be getting her a switch (nintendo not a firearm)
• i keep having moments of insane mental clarity - like im staring at my mind with open eyes and able to properly move the pieces. then other times its insanely cluttered?
• im starting to feel really bad for my body i think i gotta chill on stimulants, alcohol, and get proper sleep?
• the tradeoff for all of that is a lot of fun and i dont regret any of my actions in recent weeks but i can definitely see how it may affect mental/physical
• dont get me started on work stuffs i wanna nuke it all and start over with a different model
• light conversations with jd have reminded me of a certain conversation we had when i was 15

that conversation

we had been in homestead (where i was born), i was visiting friends, court had been there at the same time and we just so happened to cross paths (i cant remember the reasoning). and court if you remember the uber dilemma and having to get me so do i 0.o (it was like the angriest/meanest she ever was to me but ofc weve talked about it and ya know that was years ago) i digress, we were all gonna hangout and "party" (more like just me being a kid and hanging around all the big kids doing bad stuff) but jd and i had gone on a walk before hand and i dont remember how we got on the topic of not having dads but we kinda hyper focused on this idea of what is a role model?

it was really jarring because he instead asked what would your dream version of you be, have, where, etc? i think that image has changed so much over the years but the premise of empathy, kindness, and intelligence has always remained. he kind of put it as a build the idea of the person you want to be and stop at nothing to find it. my answer at 15 being a little pretentious was definitely materially focused with minor opinions towards mental clarity. its quite the opposite now. back then i said i saw someone living in downtown atl, with pets, (pardon me here) a fine lady, a lot of money from a good company, grossly educated, and being able to support people close to me.

my answer at almost 22 is having peace, enjoyable hobbies, providing to everyone in my life, a fine lady to grow with (and be understood by), a semi-successful business, unlimited patience, and to always be kind. theres a bit more depth to this thought and conversation but its definitely one of those things that ill keep to myself but you get the idea. the neat part about this concept is i feel so much closer to being the best version of myself. although it is never truly attainable without killing ego; i can say with confidence the way i carry myself now is far better than what it was AND it will continue to be better. this is to be prideful subtly.

edit

im gonna add some photos to all these posts T_T they feel kinda hollow

i just like this photo

Click to expand

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Gareth.t my beloved -thomas