d2d is not necessary

i just gotta keep talking for a second because i dont particularly have a place to share this but when did i stop being angry? like i can recall the burning frustration in my whole body from my relationship w dad and aj and my mom. none of that is there any more - and i cant tell if its just forgiveness, apathy, being numb, or suppressed? like i cant determine where its gone. i feel like my relationship with my brother is over/doomed and it is what it is. very different people and even if i feel like he played the largest role out of any other human on earth in my character, i forgive him? but wheres the emotion associated with his departure. i can recall the day he left vividly and how happy he was to be gone? i feel like i should still be upset or bothered but there isnt anything? same thing with dad - not even just for our relationship but the frustration towards him for just straight up dying doesnt exist. my mom theres frustration still and its present but i can accept it in its entirety. i definitely used to have anger issues when i was like 12-14 and i can recall being triggered by all of these 3 people with such ease (even if two of them are gone gone). court had been saying that i had so much anger in me until recently (i cant remember when but in the last couple months i was like "nah") im really confused as to where it all went. almost like my competitive drive. randomly ill have a spark of win or die.

i want the win or die to come back - not attach my self worth to success but just a fierce desire to live and win (financially and emotionally)? i rememeber having conversation when i started making money money and bought my mom nice lunch, went out for family dinner and got to spend 400ish on everyone (i think it was amaras birthday), sending cil money for her music festival, taking my house to wild wing cafe like legit everyday - that ambition and drive that spawned in my stomach doing all those things that shit is NOT there rn. so many things have changed about my level of feeling towards my family and my desire to win is shaping before my eyes. i will win regardless, whether that opportunity is handed to me or i build it brick by brick i will win. i will win. but man do i not feel like this deep rooted ambition like i was? i dont think all of the feelings + ambition are gone theyre just so muted right now with my level of care for other people?

idk im confused about it all - i might just actually be chill? might fuck around and accept/understand the things i cant change? i think i might just be wired from 6 shots of espresso and coding. i fucking hate computers and data with a passion :).

edit

woah looking at this is weird so many things develop and change over the course of days i'll talk a lot more about these ideas in the next entry

im finding it incredibly hard to talk about certain things on here because i realized too many people have begun to read? some things have to happen in private so im still writing entries im just not posting them in a couple weeks, months, years, etc there might be new ones and ill upload them in order in which they were written with a tag saying they were late i think (this system can always change we will see)

woah

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i dont have a sign off for this one -thomas