d2d

• I think sleep is finally recovering slowly - I haven’t really been feeling well rested in a while but over the past 2 days kinda been going to sleep at a semi reasonable hour
• went to hls work and helped out for a bit a quick 150 for me which was nice and it was chill to do some physical labor since I haven’t been at the gym in an extended period of time
• currently at a coffee shop because I need a generational lock in (which is incoming I just need to talk for a bit) essentially a problem that isn’t my fault that’s been on going at the biggest client is blowing up in my face and my sweet sweet ry has abruptly quit (the only one with context on the problem)
• more on work ethic, patience, and being forgiving later but I am surprisingly indifferent to this
• mini me is really really struggling and I think she’s my biggest concern in my day to day because there’s only so much I can do without being her literal parent
• mom and I are back in forth in a positive manner I think but there’s not much I can do to approach the situation or our relationship because she has so much going on
• I’m bothered financially because I don’t particularly enjoy the idea of requesting anything over 5k which I’m doing because two people need my help
• If business catches on fire and everything goes absolutely down hill tomorrow I’m perfectly fine; however, it’ll definitely slow the build up of the position I want to be in within the next 5-10 years
• I will get back on the horse of gym, food, etc - hygiene will always be on top on my momma

the ry situation

I understand people go through things and struggle constantly - its just that its really frustrating when I depend on someone and my situation is super stressful and then its legit just gone instantly. Like I was under the impression that things were chill and then I’m kinda rug pulled but stepping away from the situation and overlooking it - it makes sense. mfers got shit going on and all I can do is respect it. Regardless, I don’t know if I should be mad? I was looking to crash out not on him in specific but just in general, the things i want to be doing and putting time towards keep slipping my grasp because other people. It’s funny because I was just talking about how I feel like living for myself and small things to find enjoyment in is what my brain/heart had been shifting towards. Then with that realization people need me or depend on me for a multitude of things. Which is a first world problem for sure and by no means do I not want to support those I can. I DO from time to time want to be isolated and truly alone (not in the dark edgy sense but more in the comfortable quiet way.) I digress, I don’t have time to really dwell on this or write about and it’s not some crazy painful or serious thought/feeling - I just gotta roll with the punches and get shit done.

mom

I was gonna talk about this really in depth but tbh - if I put too much thought or feelings towards it I’m going to crash out. Like nuclear levels bad crash out. I love the woman and respect her and that’s all there is to it. It makes me so painfully sad that she’s going through it and what she’s been experiencing is happening. I will go to jail for life if anything else happens. I can keep my cool and keep myself collected because I’m an adult and I practice forgiveness; however, (god I sound like such a prick) I can only be kind to people for so long. I will do bad things and I will hurt people. (For legal reasons this is a joke)

deeper cut

The things I do wanna talk about is insecurity, love, previous relationships, and olympic yearning. Not in any specific order but I can remember (yeah fuck it were name dropping) savannah and I were playing were not really strangers at my moms house while catching back up and developing something. There’s a silly question about what do you define love as and my answer was just being comfortable? Which I felt really similarly until 3ish months into sd and I’s relationship. This is obviously about like romantic love not platonic (I think to platonically love someone is so incredibly easy I have so much love for so many people). I also want to say I AM not trying to imply absolutely anything with this entry - this is simply me revisiting how I feel to understand what I want and who I am. I digress, it changed when I realized being comfortable/safe is the bare minimum. like if your partner isn’t going out of their way to provide reassurance or a safe place for you to be yourself you need a new fucking partner immediately. You shouldn’t carry shame or fear of your partner ever. Things should be easy. I glorified my previous relationship because someone was deeply kind to me and gave me grace when I made mistakes; however, that’s genuinely just a given? you shouldn’t have to live in fear of someone else’s feelings/perception. It’s normal to have doubts or be afraid but for that to deeply impact you and revoke your ability to communicate: (Insert loud buzzer sound here) this is not to say anything negative about sd. although hyper critical of herself and I, she treated me with kindness and respect and I appreciate that. I can definitely see why things didn’t work and I know damn well that she will miss me. I don’t wanna be a dick or have a giant ego - I want to keep myself humble but I know damn well I did a lot a lot. I do more than enough for many people and I think that went under appreciated but I’m glad it was. I want a relationship where I am valued and appreciated for everything I provide. I want to be heard and understood. I want grace and forgiveness when I make mistakes. I now understand that I would not have gotten that from that relationship because the level of depth wasn’t all the way to that point. This is partially my fault for not sharing everything or communicating ALL of my desires or ideals. Which is fine it was her first relationship and I didn’t want to be an overwhelming person. Tragically enough I AM OVERWHELMING I got a lot of shit going on all of the time. I hope someone will respect that and desire me through that. I think I’m incredibly insecure about that though: although I can admit it with confidence that at times my life/who I am is over the top or too much I feel like that will make me less desirable or hard to love? I am a kind person and I have good qualities. I know I’m patient and understanding and easy to talk to etc etc but is that enough? are my good qualities enough to outweigh the busy dramatic life I have? Will someone value and appreciate the noise? Will someone appreciate the quiet with me when the noise is over? Can I build something strong enough to be held through it and hold someone else during? Idk its kinda rambles but it generates a lot of questions for me. I want reassurance and I want a hug but I think this is one of those things that I need to understand and be comfortable with myself. Kinda like what clesh said where I need to be enjoying myself and who I am. No one should complete my thoughts/feelings. They should contribute and help build them up in a positive way. I don’t think anyone has done that yet.

—

This keeps reminding me of she who shall not be named sobbing on our bedroom floor telling me no one will ever love me the way she did or even e saying that no one would want me because the things I have experienced or sd telling me she’s never seen someone so beautiful while I was over her. All of these people have cried in my arms (or made me cry) and made me think about how I carry myself and who i am. They all shaped my idea of love. My idea of being taken care of. To be quite honest, I dont think I’ve ever let anyone take care of me in the way I need it. I don’t think I’ve had the conversation with how I feel and what I think properly(with myself or someone else). (I also think this was one of my biggest downfalls and why a lot of things went south with sav) I am going to do that now. I yearn to be understood. I feel like I am right now. I feel like I am learning a lot about myself and my desires in those moments I spend alone. Even if it’s sitting down in the shower I can gauge who I am and what I desire. I am not defined by just my thoughts and experiences. There’s so much more depth to my thoughts and feelings. I will probably never figure it out entirely but I definitely am making a lot of progress. I shouldn’t have fear in my heart of intimacy. I deserve to be loved and taken care of. I will be loved and taken care of. bro lowkey doing his words of affirmation I’m chopped. There’s a lot of moments that are blowing up in my head that were really intimate with different people or really powerful but I don’t think I walked away from many of them feeling loved. I have walked away feeling desired? whether its physically, emotionally, sexually, etc there’s been a lot of moments where someone wants me or the idea of me but how often did that come from love and not desire? I think I created that environment for myself by not communicating what I want/need (by not knowing) but also with some individuals they were just straight up not good for me shrug This is an unpolished thought that Im gonna revisit sometime.

I digress I’m genuinely doing really good in this department and I don’t feel like there’s too much chaos here? Like in comparison to my relationship w my mom or worrying about mini me - I’m super super comfy here. I think it’s just important to revisit and talk about with myself and somedays I have really grand feelings (as seen above) I’m gonna go rebuild this entire pipeline now and fix some old systems. Hopefully I will be done and sitting comfortable in a modest amount of time so I can go home and do the things I want to do.

honorable mention for sign out is “who decided that?” from escanor the lion sin of pride - I be thinking of bro all the time. Its like rengoku they’re both so straightforward and they just be helping people bc they have aura like that????? Could be me

lucys

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cowboy fun fact - thomas

note i havent determined photos or song of the day yet i need to get permission from multiple people before they go up on here