d2d because its gotta be revisited for the sake of consistency

• tbh failing in most categories other than hygiene/activity - gym, sleeb, and food all have been lacking in my humble opinion
• i think the healthiest meal ive had in the past week might just be soup w jy or pho late last night w dp, myu, chroar (which i couldnt even finish mine)
• some very late nights whether its emotional conversations, games, alcohol/drugs T_T, or work so come like november 3rd there will be a necessary do nothing day to lock back in
• definiely spending a lot of time out, with new people, old faces, and inner circle. i wouldnt have it any other way
• there has been some developments w my mom - i think theres like 3 people on the earth that know about this (i know someone is reading and relaying information now so shoutout you!(this is insanely fucked up))
• love my mom but ill take a backseat in my own relationship with her because i dont have the capacity to give that time and space the most important aspect of that situation is mini me.
• i have a weird feeling abt cc and i rolled in a new client not too long ago so work is not too scary but i think im having new ideas i want to push for and execute a different approach to business in general
• i might change my format and offer more in detail because i really REALLY want to do 20k months again as long as it doesnt kill me. (i have learned i swear)
• main things to watch out for spending time with EVERYONE (avoiding social burn out from different ga(y)mer), health (need go back gym), money, and developing my relationships respectfully with unconditional care.
• oh and locking into the journal frfr its a good habit and feels really nice to practice and i noticed when i was doing it less over a handful of days its not that i felt worse but i realized i was sharing more with others that i didnt need to because a lot of things are purely my responsibility (most inner circle)

some highlights (edit ends up being deeper cut)

conversation with dp, hls, and clesh in the hallway - i had fear of being judged or criticized for my thoughts and i realized sometimes i forget that theyre my best friends for a reason. they have my back and people i look out for they look out for. regardless of how they feel they'll support me and help me in different ways. i love all of these guys very deeply and i will still do anything for them.

ans apartment at 5am playing palia hit a little different for sure. i havent felt that level of intimacy with someone in a long time. (not in a weird way just being close to another person while talking or expressing themselves in some way) kinda like the calm after the storm and getting to experience that made me really happy.

chatting with ty inside of dp dough and talking about running to someone when you are comfortable with yourself.

clesh telling me that how can i make other people good/cared for if im not good/cared for. healing is always a process and i need to make sure im still doing the stuff that is important to me to heal. |||| this got a separate journal entry that wont be posted but just kinda highlight the main premise - i think my identity or reason to keep going has shifted from just living for others but for myself. which is really weird and sounds selfish to say outloud, there was always this bit when we were younger that i had a big ego or i didnt care about other people other than myself. this was true to an extent but as i experienced people places and things i realized i didnt sign up to be born and to be quite honest for a long time i didnt want to be? the only times i felt true joy were while being with others. but that has changed: i dont know when or how or why. but i find so much more joy and love in random moments by myself corny stuff like going to gas pump 13 and thinking about my dad, reading/seeing really emotionally powerful characters in stories/games, good food (even alone some people know how much i think eating is designed to be with other people), slow mornings, late nights, certain smells, etc its all moments or reasons that life is worth living by yourself/for yourself. or to be happy with yourself and your life because we all get to experience it. how ungrateful of me to have disdain for the only life i may get to experience ya know. high level summary - pride, into nothing, into pride in a very different font. me have no idea when these changes occured but i would say 15-18(pride), 18-20 (kill the body kill the mind for only i will remain, yay nihilism my beloved/behated), 21 (i think instead of pride or ego its simply love?) i digress, this still has to be explored and understood - i know i will still have very low moments and very high moments. its important to remain patient with myself and try my bestest to love every second of it. what else is there to do then move forward? might as well do it enjoying myself (or at least try to lol).

jy dp ada sitting at the kitchen table giggling about random cyber stuff. its cool to see my friends careers being shaped up and everyone reaching the closing point of their bachelors. ( i also just met ada weve been in vc together for a while but never met in person so shoutout her she was really sweet and funny).

even if it was a facade walking into my mothers house and her being dolled up to go out with eddy and telling her she looked beautiful and with the warm, inviting smile shes had since i was a young kid (i dont know why but this made me start crying so hard - theres so much frustration and bitterness in my heart about this but shes still my mother) her asking me to tell her everything about my night out. even if its for a moment it felt normal. it felt like i could run to the woman who bathed me, clothed me, sang to me in the mornings and at night, held me when everything hurt, i cant write about this i cant stop crying and shaking. i love my mom and it hurts.

idk why that killed me so hard i really dont enjoy crying. ik my ass an ugly cryer too i will attach a photo of me during that encounter bc its funny. its really hard to write like insanely hard to for no reason so im just gonna attach a lot a lot of photos.

more importantly i dont want to clear the 2 cut waters on my desk or play too many games of league so my match history can tell a story. i wont forget that.

ive been crying for too long. i legit cant stop. i just wanna go find pumpkins with jy and go carve them with all of our friends. i need a hug so deeply. i will be okay and i get it all i understand it all but i know young me doesnt get it. i know he didnt have the support i do now. i know what suffering he has to experience to get through it all. i know what people he meets and the people that hurt him because of her. and i cannot stop myself from weeping because no one can save him. he has to do it alone and fuck i cant stop crying it hurts so fucking bad. he will always need her

i fell to my knees im okay now. i am strong and this is very settled in my heart and mind i think it just attacks me from an unprotected angle when it has to do with bella and when im reminded of what once was. its like someone dying where regardless of how long its been the little things can still get to you in really strange ways. our relationship is the same - theres always moments that can get me. i become reminded of fixing dads phone and reading it all. all of their conversation from when they first started texting up until the moment he passed. i know all the things i shouldnt know. i know who you are and what you have been good and bad. i forgive you no matter what. regardless of the pain youve made others feel and the love you have given others. i will always love you and accept you because you are my mother.

im sorry chat this was supposed to just be like tehehe im having so much fun being alive and people are so cool (this is still the case) i just got jumped by my emotions and my keyboard just so happened to be in front of me.

the song she used to sing to us to get up - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4EESPWasCX8 but she obviously changed the lyrics and speed and tone to be much sweeter and endearing lol

thinking about the loveu4ever book and its just gonna eat away at me. i hung up the horns and the tail on my wall and it made me feel a lot better. i wonder where the nasa hat is, jks goggles, my event passes from tournaments, and dads wallet are. i dont own a lot but the things i do have remind me of the good people and times.

i love you a million bajillion - thomas

my dad never really liked music or listened to anything but he knew all the words to this and was the only thing i could ever recall him singing to any of us. i know its corny but it makes me giggle