Entry 20
October 27th, 2025 at 5:19 PM • 5 min read
note - i will do DoD in the next entry and talk about some extra stuff and things
i have 4 entries to post but i dont think any of them will see the light of day - maybe the one abt the experience in the city w all of my friends bc i had a lot of thoughts/feelings abt it but i think most of those ideas have to wait. im gonna post this one bc i was sitting at my sisters place after having an argument with clesh and i think it would be interesting to talk about from a point of reflection because we are good now
i lowkey be sitting in the corner of my sisters friends apartment going on a tangent - i think this one’s gonna be long winded
it’s gonna be about my experience out (at athens with ty, ans, jy, and jk) and about which i’ll try to keep brief since then are still being felt. and primarily my relationship w clesh and attempting to leave the house to go over my sisters house. going out was really fucking fun and i’d do it again and again all moments included. we got together at a church tabling event for ty all in costume, went to ans’ apartment (changed), and set off on our noble quest to go to a house party and the bar downtown. high level summary pick up jk in the city, house party, gay bar, food store, cookie store, and back to jk apartment. there’s so many little details about a lot of these moments between jy and i interacting in funny ways (even simple shit like her wearing my nasa hat all night and having to fix it and her hair all the time) | and moments where jk and i lock eyeballs and started giggling for the fact that we were just observing everyone and everything happening. or the way ty and ans situationship was hilarious and evolving right before our eyes (they’re both outstanding people /srs)
sorry im writing this and then cheering court on in her mario party game and just observing. i really hope im not being weird T_T they’re all really chill nice people and ive met all of them on separate occasions but still i know im wearing my emotions on my face which i should do a significantly better job w/
i think in a long time i can talk about going out a lot more in detail but i had a great time and im glad i got to be the dd and help where i could i will be attaching a photo of jy and i sitting on jks bathroom floor with her face censored but i really like the photo. (edit to this line i wrote a 15k word entry about this that will be posted in months bc time sensitive information)
maaaaaaaaaaan i just gotta start with clesh is my brother through and through. i dont think theres another male in my life i will ever trust with my life or my information more than him. i know that i would trade my life for his without a doubt in my mind i would give it all up just for him to have a more comfortable time. REGARDLESS he has this tendency to crash out on me when he disagrees with something i did or am doing. i told him that i was going to courts place and i didnt want to play games and other than the given guilt trip that you always give the homies when you wanna play games and they do something else we were in the kitchen with chroar and he started
i actually cant write about it i just started feeling too upset in the corner of this apartment to talk about it
high level summary (again) i love him that’s my brother. that shit fucking hurts i know what im doing and the decisions im making. i am traditionally really good at arguing or having conversation but when he raises his voice i completely black out like i have no idea what he said or what he was talking about.
i said fuuuuuuck out loud and court said exactly what i was thinking “damn we got tomorrow tomorrow” proceeded with “everyday i wake up” and damn that’s the realest shit anyone ever wrote. i took a 4.5 hour nap in the evening so im chopped and gonna be up all night it’s about 11;20 rn and im gonna make my way home soon and work on business stuffs and things
^ thats what was from my phone with a lot of parts removed - i have a weird sensitivity to clesh and i always find myself extra vulnerable to the things he says/does. i dont think anyone can really understand it (no ego) just because the things we have experienced together and will continue to experience together is hard to wrap my mind around. i love this guy with my entire heart and even in low moments we always end up having a conversation and coming to some kind of understanding.
im gonna attach some photos from courts apartment because i really like all of them and a funny photo of me from when we went to the casino all together
midnight instant coffee
the grief is never ending but so is the love - thomas