note - there is no d2d i got up earlier than anticipated and spent time w court, mini me, and jy. i feel exhaustion creeping while i write this

fmbfcl cookie cake

seeing court was refreshing theres no place like home. but now when i see my siblings im reminded of the situation and dynamic of mom and i. this is far too stressful and im so tired of emotional labor or passing her my thoughts that it just feels like its so much easier to take a back seat to my own relationship with my mother. like constantly having these internal and external battles with her and about her is just so time consuming and to be honest (crazy throwback to a conversation w/ seb from 4 years ago) its one of those things where i cant gauge whether its worth it. he always said its your duty as a human being with emotional intelligence to always put in the work to salvage relationships that are innately important. i feel differently although i agree to an extent. this is just like one of those moments where i realize cycles do repeat themselves unless broken - its been 3 times (this would be the 4th) where we are really close, have a dispute where one of us feels we wronged the other, we dont talk for way too fucking long, i apologize and show my ass, we are really close, and so on. i dont think she could recall a single time this has happened other than when i moved in with ap. which is really defeating to think about - im not ignoring it but im deciding this is not worth giving thought. i will genuinely just sit and wait for her to come around and if she wants to have a conversation then i will try my best to be kind in such endeavors.

also she asked me to pick her kiddos up from school today while i was hanging out with jy which was kinda a bummer(picking them up not the hangout but ill crack into that in a second). its not that im not willing to help because of course if she asks for anything or if any of them ask for anything id be happy to provide its just that is this really the first thing you are going to say to me after all of these exchanges? asking for a favor? i wont even begin to get into the reasoning surrounding it (it is valid) but its just frustrating like even an im sorry things arent going smoothly could you please help me - would go way way way further than "im doing insert thing and i need you to get the kids" regardless i went and got mini me we got food (they didnt forget my sauce this time god bless) and i got home

i dont really wanna share too much about the hangout because (even though its all super casual conversation abt work or friends) its still something im looking forward to keeping between us - having the ability to talk in confidence with another person is so comforting. its intimate in a way like ah yes let me show you what i think and what i feel without filters and you will feel the same way about me after. we expanded on a couple of previous conversations too, ate good food, and had good coffee it was a pleasant experience and im genuinely sad it didnt last longer (although i had a minor feeling that it might have been dragging out i definitely bothered in certain areas of conversation and will apologize for it later). but i really had three takeaways from this experience. 1.) guilt is for control and very painful regardless of reasoning - i spent a lot of time trying to dispute feelings it seemed but i genuinely heard her and gauged where she was coming from. the sad truth about it is i get it and although my feelings are not nearly as grand i can see her experience and i feel hopeful that days become easier for her. 2.) perceived value vs intrinsic value in people is insane. we brought up the fact that we both seem to have a lot of friends but she had mentioned i have so many people that are really long standing or im deeply close with. which is true to an extent but i think a big portion of it is kindness. for example, i probably have over 50 people i could name right now that if id call them i could have a long drawn out conversation with about anything and we'd both walk away happy; however, theres maybe 7 people i could call to ask for deep rooted guidance or ask for help with something larger? not that peoples value is determined by what they provide but rather the intimacy of a relationship is determined by each persons level of honesty and vulnerability (with one another). theres very few people i would want to have a breakdown in front of or have them be concerned with my well-being. there is a TON of people i would love to have conversation with or spend time with. i crave the human experience of talking to someone about more personal stuff/expereinces and them going "damn i hear you" or "im sorry/happy you experienced that do you wanna talk about it more im interested"
like FUCK man im a slut for verbal intimacy and it drives me so insane all the time when i feel like i can only talk surface level with so so many people. (90% of the people that have a character card i pinky promise i feel like i can talk to you if you do read xoxo) doubling back to the value - in front of people relationships can seem so much more than they are or were which is something i wanted to express more in detail to jy while hanging out but alas i couldnt find the words at the time. 3.) this gal is goat. the way jy thinks and carries themselves around others despite their feelings/thoughts is noble. like i said i really dont want to air out any details because the privacy/intimacy of conversation is important to me so i will just say i really want to replicate this true kindness shes passed to other human beings. i hope we can continue to talk shit and play games and i know we have a bunch of plans together and with friends over the next couple of days + weeks but man i want to be friends and talk frequently.

lol

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tw legit dont read if ur related to me pls im gonna talk about sex and the bad version

note - this has absolutely nothing to do with any of my family or friends its just that i had this dragging reminder when i went downstairs and got water after writing that whole entry

when i came upstairs i saw the condoms that had been sitting under bed for god knows how long. i threw the rest of them away because it feels shitty - the idea of having sex with someone else in and of itself but let alone using the condoms that i bought to have sex with someone else? like it feels very wrong. (not that i plan on having sex anytime soon) im a calm person and im not inherently sexual and i hate to even bring her up but since i had a conversation about REDACTED (ifykyk to like legit 4 people under the sun) i had a nightmare about an experience i had with her. i feel kinda gross in my own skin from time to time and i desperately want to be held and touched by someone else so that never crosses my mind. i want to completely trust another human being with my body? it sounds so feminine and soft but i want to be taken care of and i want to be seen in that regard (and i want to take care of someone else obviosuly and be as kind as i can). i crave some kind of reminder that my body has not been desecrated (which it has). i dont want to be weird or creepy about it it just feels so disturbing to me that i cant shake the thought of not being in control of someone being close to me so id rather just rip off the fucking bandaid and have someone do the same shit she did just so i can forget about it or have instances take those ones places.

i wrote that and i didnt mean that in its entirety im just grossed out man. i think i will find more comfort in my own skin over time (even if ive been saying it for years) and at the end of the day such is life and it is what it is. i will be better and not have such putrid moments plague my brain. forgive and move on. also everytime i feel this way we just gotta listen to the sotd ^_^ (very loud and angry sound warning xoxo) and honorable mention on a positive side because today was pretty good aside from allat "in my room" julia wolf

sorry for this one i just felt so many ways - thomas

8pm edit

i just had to cry, farm crops in palia, and pet aggy to feel better. i am okay just moment of genuine weakeness T_T