big note - i’m changing formats i’m not going to daily entries im setting a requirement that i have to check in at least every 3 days but i think ive been having so much conversation with the people close to me i dont feel this insane pressure inside of feelings/thoughts. obviously if i feel like i really need to talk then you might see 7 entries in one day but for now minimum one every 3 days

d2d over the last couple of days

• monumental dent in sleep - i MIGHT be recovering it as we sleep but holy shit i’m not sleeping like a person but the nights i’m trading it for are definitely worth it
• lps birthday dinner was super super fun - i had way too much to drink , he spilled his first legal drink everywhere and it bothered me when literally no one at the table got up to help. i was sitting across from him (it was this giant round table) and i just had to get up walk back in the olive garden and grab a shit ton of paper napkins and clean the table in front of 8 people bc why aren’t we helping the birthday boyyyyyy
• hanging out with inner circle been feeling really nice even just myu and chroar coming into my room to chat shit with the cat and hangout has been really pleasant
• i’m surrounded by so many super super kind people who constantly take care of me in ways they don’t realize they’re doing
• physical activity is still really good been getting good gym and outside time in (clesh complimented my shoulders this morning and it was flattering)
• jy and i stayed up way way too late playing minecraft one night but half of the experience was us laughing or crying about something that has happened so far - i don’t want to reveal too many personal details but i feel really comfortable w her as a friend im glad ive come across her
• going on a noble quest shopping with mini me right now so i will continue entry later
• mini me and i bought too many clothes T_T, got smoothies, and she came over for a bit
• i ended up at the biggest cologne retailers house a couple hours ago for a favor (ill attach 1 photo bc his inventory is crazy) this guys goated and it was really nice to see his mom again after like a decade
• home depot discord and i have had one too many late nights, jy and i were grinding in minecraft for a night too
• wow progress mega slow because ive been DIALED into palia, aram, and work
• going to crashout w specific clients
• had a longer conversation with an old therapist about how humans deal with losing intimacy and love and tbh humans are insanely cool but apathetic creatures sometimes

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deeper cut

I think being busy has been nice and distracting; however, its not like in those moments of time that i am busy im not doing emotional processing? like one night when jy and i were playing minecraft i kinda dug deep and talked about a few really personal things (shoutout for just listening to me and being really kind through the whole process if you do read). like even in moments where im supposed to be just hanging out experiencing things (like lp birthday dinner yesterday) i was still thinking about my future, healing, and what ive been experiencing. the feeling of comfort with other people or building a foundation with new friends is so exciting and it also makes me really appreciate the people i live with even more. i have this weird feeling of anxiety deep down that im overstepping or becoming too close with everyone - i dont wanna force my way into a friend group or overstay my welcome? like even if my company is appreciated i want to make sure everyone is just as excited or glad that we became friends its kinda hard to make sense of that feeling though and ill save it for another time

i also want to talk about the developments with my momma - i think shes just mad at me. i also have the sneaking suspicion that someone who reads my journal shared with her my unfiltered thoughts. if this is the case - unlucky and it is what it is (or she found it on her own) if either of those are the case i love my mother and shes a lovely person but i still stand by the feelings and thoughts ive been having. i dont know if theres any room for conversation with her - when i was at her house the other night just seeing mini me she came upstairs and glared at me then walked off. i had asked if she wanted to have a conversation in a very kind tone which was met with an abrupt "no." regardless, i hope shes doing okay and making good decisions for herself. its not that i dont care about her but my biggest concern is mini me. i think neither of them realize the gravity of the situation? like anything could change the house dynamic, living situation, etc and it scares me for both of them (even though i know it would be handled rapidly).

im really curious if i will always be worried about the people around me as long as im alive or if the mental weight of peoples well beings will go down. like even with jy were genuinely just becoming good friends and i know she has her own struggles but i think of her frequently in a way of "i hope todays easier than yesterday." its similar to how i think about myu and when she comes home from a long ass day at work, is she doing okay? this sentiment gets a lot more deep rooted though because of how i identify success and intimacy. its all comfort - are these people im close to and worry about comfortable? and i think thats the biggest driving factor of my thoughts - are the people i surround myself comfortable with how they are and how can i as a friend make them more comfortable in their d2d. its kinda hard to articulate but hopefully you get the general idea - i know i do

also i think i was being flirted with and i dont need to give the context but it was an in-person event and ya know what - i dont like the idea of someone who hasnt gotten to know me or is getting to know me hitting on me. that shit scares the fuck out of me like girl/bro you do not know whats going on up here and i promise you, you do not want a front row seat T_T (not that my partner would get front row seats but I WOULD WANT something where my partner and myself could have really honest conversations about how were doing which i think is a given) theres a couple other traumatic events that make me afraid of intimacy like that but i definitely feel hungry for being close to people. like not in a creepy way but just having someone to sit down with closely or pick their brain about anything is such a comforting concept. i miss getting a hug everyday and it doesnt matter who its from or even if its platonic just feeling another person makes you feel more alive/real

i feel really calm about my feelings i was feeling fourteen days ago and i think ive gotten too good at the process of grief and managing pain. i hope this doesnt make me apathetic when im old to people being gone. elaborating on the feeling calm - its really strange - theres these huge moments of peace and feelings of content and then half an hour later theres this strange dread lingering over me? like im doing something wrong by not growing or building relationships with people? like yes im making new friends and its amazing but its also like isnt there something more? isnt there another piece of this puzzle im missing? i know im not doing anything wrong and i know its an anxious feeling therefore it could irrational/invalid. i dont know if this text based web app can support word notation but its like for all d, e in S: if 〈d, e〉 ∈ R then 〈e, d〉 ∈ R (kinda this is a binary relation)

alright i got invested in it and looked at my logic notes it would look like this in a non-binary relationship setup T ⦁ K[(A ⦁ I) ⊃ ◇C]

T = “I have a thought.”

A = “The thought is related to anxiety.”

I = “Anxiety is invalid.”

C = “The thought is invalid.”

i forgot about a lot of this but its really neat and i unironically might start using the notation to elaborate or give my feelings critical thought. all the symbols could be found in discrete but the diamond is kinda meta its supposed to represent possibility (metacognition which is aids to think about is included). tldr thought/feeling is related to something that is invalid so the possibility of it being invalid does arise but does not gurantee itself. that looming dread or anxiety about a missing piece may or may not exist but i have to face the legitimacy of anxiety. i feel kinda crazy and my brain is tired but im looking forward to the million bajillion plans i have with my friends and growing as a person (hopefully)

i need a hug -thomas