d2d the usual

• the gym feels so so good i feel strong and it feels really rewarding to watch weight move
• eating is really awkward intermittent fasting is a weird try but ive lost a little bit of weight - im definitely not getting enough protein and my recovery isnt optimal bc sleep and diet
• its not that the food im eating is bad its just not enough calories ya know
• work work work (so many meets and potential for more clients) i'll be introducing jd in here in a bit bc i feel like hes an important person whos kinda shaped what i do now even if we didnt end our business relationship in the best way
• i made new friends :P
• 2 week mc phase is starting
• i finally got sit down w bran and play games we both hit gm which was pretty awesome sauce
• i did a micro dose of kratom for the first time and i wont be doing that again lolz
• insane but hilarious conversation with cj about how after having 2 conversations with a guy he got really drunk and bought a flight to come see her and said that he was going to fall in love with her and how his future is with her (12 hours after meeting)

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new friends and mc ?

i decided to join jk in her server and just chat shit with some of her friends and we all started telling stories and a good handful of them joined the mc server and hopefully more will come but it was really nice to feel like i was just relaxing playing games with cool people after a day of being really busy. but by the end of the night like 2 or 3 am i finished telling stories about she who shall not be named and how the ending of that relationship was so brutal and bad because of how ugly it got in comparison to the most recent one - which im very very grateful regardless it was nice to have a vc of people just listen to me ramble and hangout with while playing games and hearing their stories about the lives they are living its really cool to see people in my age range actually just suffering with me - shits hard people suck but theres so much beauty in everyone - having conversation is so pleasant when its people you can trust or relate too is so refreshing im building my base in minecraft with bran and i know some other friends are relatively close to us so we are sharing resources ill attach more screenshots of how it looks later when things keep getting fleshed out but very stoked about this one

i ended up staying up till 6ish talking to a gal whos the owner of the server we were all sitting in - she seems like a disturbingly intelligent and strong willed individual. i had come across her years ago in college but we never really talked just had a lot of mutuals but the way she thinks is really inspiring and we just chatted about her recent struggles and how things are slowly shaping up for her in different ways i think shes kinda brilliant with her level of resolve and care for others - i feel like we think very similarly with the level of care we give to the people close to us and the conversation we had was just really pleasant (although morbid) i really hope we can become better friends shes one of those people that i want to feel seen by other human beings and that she has a homie that just cares (if she comes up again ill refer to her as jy) i hope i can become better friends w mr invokation as well hes so fucking funny and i havent laughed so hard (other than w/ chroar and clesh in the car that one day) in a really long time it was genuinely so nice to just be unable to catch my breath

regardless shout out all the people that were in that call last night, jk specifically for being supportive of me hanging out with her friends, jy for the powerful conversation we had, ush for being so handsome (and a genuinely good friend), and bran for living with me and building something together even if its in the damn game

photos are minecraft and my younger sister being stoked to see me picking her up from highschool

deeper cut

i realize that im thinking about sd less and less. it still hurts of course - i still love her of course - it just feels kinda scary like all those deep rooted feelings of desire could vanish? almost like my brain is running out of space to feel because of all the people and things and experiences i have to store in there. i really want to make sure she always has a place in my heart and mind as the sweetest partner ive ever had and i hope she knows that im so deeply grateful that i got to experience a kind hearted person and enjoy life with them even if it was briefly

jd was a friend/coworker who was my boss, friend, business partner, mentor, etc a lot of things and we worked together and our egos clashed on ability and workload that led to me eventually quitting our venture together but the other night we called after a mutual client meeting and he said he was proud of me and can see what im building - ive been talking a lot a lot about how im so proud of other people and its so strange how him and bran recently (even if it was brief said they were proud of me )

also watching my mom move for the 500th time/reason is really depressing but she cried on the phone with me about how its genuinely over between her and her current husband and how she thought change was possible but it was elusive and had slipped her grasp even though she felt so close i dont think i can forgive him for making her feel as insecure and hopeless as she has and it hurts my heart

i reminded her that (while we both cried) that it is just us again - it always goes back to her, court, bella, and i. even if we arent in a home together thats our closest family and even if all of our own respective relationships struggle with one another its what we have and its horrible to write but im glad she gets to be alone again? im glad its just us because i think we've collectively suffered for over a decade from my father passing and its just been us to share that burden together. ive never enjoyed when other people try to take on that burden without having lived the lives we have ya know? its not something you can have empathy for its just something you have to respect. i think a lot of people get that really wrong where they think oh ive lost a parent too and i know how hard it is - sure you are right to some extent but its so much more intricate for literally everyon themselves included you can never understand how much your life may change from the loss of a loved one. no one really can? they cant comprehend the pain of just seeing something minor that reminds you of a person in the sweetest way and it just bring you to fucking tears. i digress, us 4 know that pain like the back of our hands and im glad that we can share our love/suffering as our own unit in someway again - even if none of us particularly want it to be just us theres comfort in knowing the struggle (that weve faced for years) is going to go back to being carried by just us.

also less deep cut but funny moment i was unpacking some of my moms car and i hadnt checked the front seat yet but she asked me "wheres your father??" - i turned really confused like what are you talking about "well mom hes been dead for quite sometime im not too sure" and she was like "no thomas go get your father really quickly please he never enjoyed being hot" and my grandmother chimed in and said "oh yeah that man did never enjoy being hot did he? go get him tom" i laughed when i opened her front seat and saw his urn buckeld up sitting next to a crockpot. it was nice to carry him inside and set him on the kitchen counter to keep watch over everything.

idk why but that made me cry a lot and i wasnt ready to cry today but i did lol - i think its the getting too hot thing because my mom swears shes always cold but fuck i get hot too easily and i hate being hot too and it now makes sense where i got it from.

with boundless love for way too much in life -thomas