d2d but the timeline still fuzzy

• after yesterday morning and getting home from my friends house I had made plans w jk (renamed from j) and ush
• they live a bit far in another city thats just a giant college city
• but couple of checklist stuff
• hygiene nuclear high - i feel so clean all the time which has been really refreshing
• physical activity is so much its kinda scary but my head feels really clear during long walks or gym time etc (ive been missing out in the gym but definitely still making sure to stretch, run, and body weight exercise)
• sleep is in a weird spot since i was awake for ~40 hours but i dont mind and i dont feel insane can notice brain drag
• ive been out for days and spending time with people constantly which has been nice
• but the plan was SIMPLE - get back from that expedition from my friends house, go to sebs work with a roommates car, chat with him he said he wanted to talk to me, get my keys (i left them in his car while very messed up the other night), drive to said far city, meet with ush jk and em (have never met her but is jks coworker + friend)

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so the adventure

and per usual nothing goes as planned but I went off around 1 to seb, he actually said my journal had clarified a lot of things - he was under the impression that I had basicallyed bailed in the middle of the play, got super sad brokedown, and then locked in enough to go see a girl for alternative reasons but in reality I went to go see her since she was in a realy really bad place and i just wanted to help out - and i had locked in post breakdown and we had enjoyed the show regardless we hugged laughed about the experience in the parking lot chopped it up about minor things said our love yous and I was on my way.

by the time i left my house it was probably 2pm and i hadnt eaten anything just water + pinch of salt at 11am. my energy levels were low and brain fog was criminal but I made my drive I was listening to this one podcast where this couple goes back and forth about communication how to be better for one another etc etc and i realized

man it is fun to not critically think or feel super deeply

like its so easy to get caught up in these really grand feelings, whether its anxiety, love, dread, etc you can be consumed in some capacity just overwhelmed by your thoughts and feelings what if we just ya know lock in for a brief moment and just stop? thats where i was at in my drive like i was so exhausted and felt so many things (also i need to edit that parking lot interaction because seb filled me in on more things i had said that i didnt remember) but yeah exhaustion 2 hour drive i get a singular body armour from qt and a hotdog (i know tragic) but i finally had some kind of energy inside my system and the rest is history

so good to see ush and jk - their hospitality and kindness is hard to not talk about - i get there and its subtle yaps followed by "rior are u okay man" and i just had a lot of room to speak and feel which im truly grateful for but regardless we head out and go to a game cafe - met up with em (total chiller) and played trivia, uno, and tried another game but it was just too much brain power for us continued on with our travels just making jokes having fun and i noticed - i didnt feel miserable to be out. it was weird like i know my facial expressions or my energy sometimes is like - dude i fucking hate being here. but i think that only appeared twice which was at the end of the trivia game and at the end of eating dinner bc we were talking about a some league player whos famous and has a clip of himself screaming at me. but yeah i didnt want to explode being out, we go poke bowls, sat by campus, board games, and got boba it was super pleasant. em ended up driving us all back to ush truck and i think shes really funny she made me giggle a lot. she was a cool person and im glad she accompanied us to all these spots.

eventually we go to the liquor store on our way home and funnily enough cj facetimed me during. she laughed and said omw to da liquor sto (or something of that nature) but it was weird it was the first time I had looked at her face in years and i will talk about this more later but ush jk and i got the good ol (small bottle) of don 1942 (insert chefs kiss here) and the rest is hisotry, we drink the whole bottle tap into this DELICIOUS mead ush taps out and lays down then jk and i are just chopping it up listened to pearl jam and eagles on vinyl - we called some people to share the drunken sentiment of value and appreciation shoutout mr invokation, chroar, and i didnt get to call him (because i had 4 contact cards for him) but thog (clesh older brother) somewhere in between finishing the bottle but after ush passed out i called bloo. this guy is thanos and aside from chroar hes one of my best friends that i trust on another level (that i made from school) - i just caught him up to speed on the last couple days and basically said wanted to tell another capable adult the happs of my life and to be on the look out we said dinner sometime soon but it was nice to talk to him. ja and i were texting and i realized she had a really difficult time at work and i had been listening to her but i really was trying to make plans to go get food and just spend time together - she was really overwhelmed and i could tell that i made her feel bad for the amount of conversation we were having so she had a little crash out on me (completely understandable) so i think i'll give her a lot more space and just let her do her own thing - i also want to clarify this is completely platonic i havent had any romantic conversations with anyone over text and i dont plan on having them but ya then itll all came to a stop when poor poor jk gotten sick so i sat on the bathroom floor with her while she frew up :(

ik its not gonna embed bc i havent added support but it was funny when my my mom sent me that meme + a photo of my dad with spongebob and patrick (rest in peace)

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thoughts and deepish cut

we laughed and had a good time it was really refreshing to be a person someone could depend on and be safe with. but that was pretty much it - theres some pictures from last night but i wanna say a couple things - everyone is different and experiencing different things all the time. i dont meant this lightly - the same suffering you are experiencing millions of people literally millions understand or have been in a similar situation i think its really important to treat all with grace and even if you dont understand why someone might feel or think someway it doesnt mean you cant give them the space to experience their shit i also feel really calm about sd i love the woman but more importantly i respect her. shes gonna feel her feelings and shes gonna go do her own thing without me and thats okay. its not the end of the world for her to be on her own without me. shes independent and even if i know she needs a shoulder to lean on it doesnt have to be mine. she has a lot of really good people in her life who all care about her deeply - i should still worry and hope shes okay but i need to calm down the anxieties of losing that relationship. i need to accept and say it is what it is. im still fighting for her by keeping her a place in my heart and mind and i think thats more than enough. this isnt to sound big headed because i think this is true for everyone - you are the prize myself included. giving someone the time of the day to run around in your mind is kindness in and of itself. (this is an unfinished thought/feeling so dont take it too literally)

lastly, i have so much love in my heart for people. im not that old but i think i see where im at and what ive built and im slightly proud but i see friends and family and holy shit im so proud. people winning all around me i want to celebrate them and let them know they have done an amazing job and that im moved by how they have been doing. mini me and cj are both great examples of this mini me is growing up right before my eyes but shes so empathetic to those around her - shes just a kid but takes the time out of her day to maintain her relationships and be loving and caring. cj is similar so many things have happened to her and shes continued to grow and evolve as a person - tenacity is a beautiful thing and i think her resolve/tenacity is far greater than my own and it makes me realy proud of her. its just weird but nice to sit back and look around me and just see so much love and struggle in everyone concluding shout to em for spending time with randoms, huge monumental shoutout to seb for always clocking me (positive), chroar for driving me everywhere recently, clesh for always listening, bloo for instantly being aware of what i was saying/what was going on, bran for being a light on at the front porch to know im always welcome, jk/ush for supporting me hosting me and taking care of me. i genuinely love all of you guys and i definitely couldn't put one foot in front of the other without everyone. (and shoutout to just everyone ive had conversation with over the past week)

ushey was singing this while leaving the city

with a million mile drive home -thomas