I cant even d2d this and the timeline is blurry so just bare with me

• wake up 6ish am morning walk chiller play some games
• mom asked really late at night (right after my entry) if she could drop my younger sister off and i take her to her theatre prod things ~noon
• this is totally chill its been a really slow morning so ill just see what happens
• clesh mini me (my younger sister), and myself all get in my car - hit the gas station, hit smoothie king, hit ultah to buy her new lip gloss before her show (shes not in it acting but shes the props manager stage manager lady)
• we drive to the school just choppin it up having a good time life felt good and kinda normal just hurting from previous night
• get guthreys (that shit was fire) we loiter at the highschool before mini mes call time eat food laugh w.e
• drop mini me off clesh and i are making our way back and theres an estate sale in a really wealthy neighborhood so quick detour - he cops this fire ass sports jacket and i found a vintage $2500 burberry trenchcoat for $100 - it doesnt really fit me so it might be a resell angle but still super cool find
• i had determined that i wanted to try a new clear liquor and clesh and i make our way to the liquor store
• got patrone (ive always wanted to try it) and these devilishly good drink 2 pack things (you snap on part of the drink off the top and pour it into one can) (i think they package it this way so you can put caffeine in it)

• get home around 1 the patrone is gas, i have 2 of those drink things after (an espresso martini and a traditional margarita) but I didnt really process that they were 100 proof and 2 drinks per item
• so in the span of an hour i have fucking 8 drinks - im chopped - i DID NOT think i was going to be this faded
• me clesh dp chill in the kitchen till seb + jz come (it was sebs 27th birthday) so boom birthday shots (chroar and myu join us)
• anyways we are all just chopping it up having a good time chatting and we decide we should go to mini me's show at the hs
• fire 2 car expedition (after about 4 hrs of hanging out chatting shit) where all 6 of us go to this hs play (dp couldnt come bc he had work)
• i thought i would have sobered up more because i was really slowly drinking patrone with every1 (who wasnt driving of course)
• fuck i am NOT sober
• try to lock in to not be weird that im at this play absolutely unintentionally faded (which was hilarious)
• i see mini me with all of her friends and i feel so unbelievably proud of her growing so quickly and i feel this odd sense of responsibility and love was over me
• growing up with no dad and her being my youngest sibling i feel like i am the only man in her life that looks after her truly
• w.e we ball i have to cry about this and just be appreciative (i also need water so badly)
• i head out to chroar myu car to get a mcdonalds sprite and chroar is my guiding light
• i show him where clesh and I used to park as dirt bag teenagers and laugh a lot about it
• fuck, it all is rushing back to me
• just very intense feeling of gratitude for everyone, being responsible for mini me, the passage of time etc
• i start full breakdown, ugly crying in this empty parking lot just going off about life to chroar
• he says hes proud of me and that i should be proud of all the people i have taken so much time to bring together and that ive loved so deeply for so long
• this kicks my ass even fucking more - seb comes and we actually grew up together in south florida (we live somewhere else now w.e) but that sends me even farther
• the irony of crying with someone whos a relatively new friend (who is one of my best friends weve known each other coming up on 4 years), me being at my terrible public hs that i hated in an awkward period of my life, being proud of mini me, and being with someone who i genuinely consider my brother (seb). was just so insane - they're just watching me throw my guts up in a bush at the back of the parking lot whiler sobbing about how much I love everything and how hard it is to put one foot in front of the other so many days.
• very intense moment where i feel sobered up, a bit better, but similar to the night before i have this crazy sense of gratitude again

• i lock the fuck in go in enjoy the rest of the show congratulate mini me
• take everyone to mellow mushroom (mom meets us there bc mini me cant drive yet so she has to go home w her)
• felt really nice to pay for the dinner (still sad about the texas ku game) and just laugh have another beer and keep the night moving
• get back home play 1 game of aram and then boom a friend who i have been really worried about them texts me (mfer its still 11:45 and im still faded but boom sober up)
• take a shower we facetime i get caught up to speed
• i offer for them to come over (they live kinda far ish but nothing crazy) bc i had been drinking and i dont want to ask my friends for more.
• they said i was more than welcome over there if i could uber or have someone drive me etc bc they werent comfy leaving their house at that hour
• shoutout fucking chroar drives me an hour and some change away to my friends house (i get very sober from our long conversation) and i make it in
• i go in shes unwell but managing (this is around 1am) we sit down she spills the tea and its so so SO much that i could probably write 3 entries on it
• regardless we connect in a lot of ways and just have great conversation about the happenings, struggles, where we are both at, where we wanna be, etc
• i think this is the first person that i had the will power to sit down and help through something since my relationship was over | it felt really fucking great to just sit with another human being of the opposite sex and talk deeply about a plethora of things
• check the time boom its 5am (i was debating getting an uber) but they said they were having a really great time and didnt want me to leave and neither did i
• we sat from i kid you not 1am to 9:30am just talking in the same spot laughing, talking about trauma, understanding relationships, what it meant to be truly kind, faith, anxiety, compatibility, desires, school, work, etc it was just fucking great i know she was really struggling but i dont think she understands how good this experience was for me as well - i truly needed this.
• day "ends" with me taking a long ass uber back home - i took a 20 minute power nap in the back of it and i feel pretty good i just want to eat some real food and try to get active today - probably going to see ush and j tonight in their big city so thats what next entry will be about

i love my people

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anyways shoutout them, shoutout all my friends who went to mini me's show, shoutout mini me im so proud of the woman shes growing into, and shoutout my mom for having this unrelenting fight that she refuses to lose

maybe i should stop trying to dance with two left feet? -thomas