no d2d here this is going to be a mess but I will try to format it

this is gonna be divided into 3 sections grief, perspective, and comfortable 100% of this will be about my ex girlfriend because I had a monumental amount of thoughts after talking with lp and my shower

---

grief

sd isn't gone, she is alive and hopefully in some way shape or form healing - this is relevant because a lot of people approach break ups as the end all be all. there is the possibility of us being able to talk again. Whether this is romantically, platonically, etc it doesn't really matter. The important part of this information is that we do have the ability to talk eventually | its important to get over our romantic relationship in some capacity I realize that people have this idea that its almost a requirement to rid your mind of a person - this can look like vilifying your ex, blocking them, removing pictures of them, or even just straight up never giving them thought. Anything to help you "get over" them. This is fucking stupid. I haven't been cursing as much and i've been making a genuine effort at cleaning up my diction but holy shit this is such an outdated concept.

If things end comfortably or you still love or have love for each other this is so cursed and hateful. why create animosity over something that was beautfiul at one point in time. why create hate or in her words "be mean" to someone/something that had a positive impact on you. I dont need to grieve her maybe parts of our relationship sure and I genuinely pray to God (yeah we are capitalizing for the sake of the point) she doesn't get over me in that fashion. I want so deeply to be held in a good regard in her mind. I always want to be someone she can run to even if its platonic. I always want her to be able to call me if theres an emergency. I always want her to be able to tell me about her day or her life. I truly think if we grieve each other as people then this won't be possible. I genuinely don't want to consider how I would feel if she did forget about me or grieve me as a person because I am right fucking here - hurting and growing because I lost something so dear to me.

I digress I just hope down to my core in the hole I've built for my mind to declutter that we still love each other when the dust settles. Maybe it would be nice if it was in a profound way that made our connection stronger. but even if its just a little - enough to hold our bond, I would be genuinely grateful and happy.

high level summary/tldr i dont have to grieve an entire person just tiny bits and pieces of a relationship (that if we did it once we can do it again) and I would genuinely feel so fucking defeated as a person if she did

---

perspective

when I look at it from an outsiders perspective I see 3 things - man this guy sucks at listening, man this girl sucks at trying to communicate in multiple ways, and damn do they love each other when I look at it from my perspective - fuck I can do nothing but blame myself I had all the tools and resources to do it right and I did it wrong

I can also (if I could let myself but I literally cannot) be so frustrated with her for the fact that linearly telling me in these really intricate moments that I made a mistake and made her feel bad is so incredibly difficult for me to learn from because to be so honest I did a lot of shit wrong, obviously nothing to harm her in anyway shape or form but the little things that pile up and dig under your skin I see NOW that I did that and fuck does it make me so frustrated with myself and sad for her

but fuck does it make me so confused that if you love me so dearly and you having nothing but nice things to say about me why cant you just critically think about me and see that I'm not getting it. like fuck im so stupid I know so help me understand you PLEASE. I would do anything if I could replay all the moments where I hurt you and just had you break it down for me play by play so I can wrap this good for fucking nothing brain around how you felt and how I could be better FOR US.

idk at this point this is rambles - i can be mad at her, i can be mad at myself, i can be dissapointed with both parties, etc but at the end of the day what matters is perspective and I will stick to the one that recognizes we both could have done better in different areas. and ill stick with the perspective that our bond and love did run very deep and I wont doubt her love for me or my love for her ever again but fuck man i feel so hurt by this whole situation because of so many factors. I feel like I could type endlessly into the fucking void about how confused I am by my own thoughts and her decisions. Sometimes writing here even feels like a debrief we could do at the end of the day where she tells me about how she felt and what she experienced throughout the day fuck man fuck I would do anything for that again

I took a 5 minute break to breathe and get water - i think while writing about me being frustrated with myself/even trying to be with her (trying to be, frustrated) it made me really hot and uncomfortable which in turn made me anxious. I feel shame for even talking about having a perspective where she did wrong because at the end of the day (and holy fucking full circle) theres another perspective - neither of us did anything wrong | there was just too much friction from how we were as people that led to this. there shouldnt be a blame game or this long winded tangent about how I or anyone can see it from so many different angles. shes a kind hearted person with a beautiful soul and I know im also kind hearted (this feels so weird to type) so regardless of what happened i hope we both can walk away and be proud of what we did have.

---

comfortable

this is gonna be the lightest section and i really want to warn anyone who is reading this - this will be a VERY uncomfortable and awkward read

ive always struggled with washing my own back. i think it is one of the kindest things a person can do for another person. ive had my back washed by a small handful of people but i have to express the way i felt so comfortable to be naked in front of someone in a closed space the feeling of letting someone be that close to my body and know they will treat it with the most love, respect, and care they can. no one did it the way she did it.

for a moment in my very busy mind and life - in moments where she washed me and held me i was

comfortable, truly comfortable

so comfortable that I could forget about the anxieties of life. money, clients, relationships, family, everything all because of the way she touched me. there isn't a shower thats gone by where I dont miss her washing my back. there hasn't been a late night gone by that I wish I could warm her hands with mine. there hasn't been a moment in the warm sun that I wish I could hold her hand. i find a lot of peace in remembering moments with her. i think this entry i was feeling a lot of things but at the end of it a wave of stillness has kinda washed over me at the thought of her. I'll never forget when she told me I was so beautiful and she began to sob in my arms. I'll never forget that first anxiety attack in my shower when I held her and we dropped to the floor together. I'll never forget when we sat in her car together for the first time and I truly made her mad - she was so cute and so soft but so powerful. in all these moments i felt love. she asked me a few days before we broke up when I knew I loved her. I gave bad answers but now I know - I loved you the moment I met you.

with the heaviest heart -thomas