D2D on top

• sleep was good even though i went to bed late and cried for a while (refer to yesterdays late night entry)
• hygiene is really good washing my face has become more enjoyable and like the 15 minutes of taking care of myself is something i look forward to/is exciting since its an easy win and always a step in the right direction
• physical activity and leaving the house is a constant we lifted a lot of stuff at my moms house biggest shoutout to clesh and chroar for clutching and helping out
• being in the car with those two guys always makes me laugh even if its really stupid shit we are laughing at
• someone pulled out in front of me to make a left turn while i was speeding down the road and i had to slam on my breaks twice - i wonder why these people were in such a rush
• clesh got mad at the 2nd lady bc we legit had 3 inches of clearance before she just straight up killed him (laughed it off and carried on with our day)
• old tom (my grandpa) was telling us about the best meal he ever had and it was at the special forces unit in vietnam was refreshing (he also said life always goes on which was nice to hear)
• i definitely laugh cried till my stomach turned on the way home from my moms because i just kept thinking of wishing i got to do so many tasks that ive been doing with her
• apple denied all 3 of my applications and its really grinding my gears so i might make them web games even though they were made in swift for ios devices.
• projects i want to really hone in on - the 3 ios games, work client (i love you ry ur a saint), the movement shooter for my house to play (and maybe to post on steam for like $10), and this website its been really interesting to figure out how to make the sotd feature, basic entry blocks, word counting, photo carousels, etc. im gonna continue to flesh this out i might add a public view counter to each entry or maybe an anonymous commenting feature but my intuition is saying that ill probably get my feelings really hurt

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kinda d2d i didnt get to post the last piece of this bc work and games with friends but -

i had a work call with a different member of a clients team that clarified yesterdays issue in seconds it was a really “technical” dilemma and a lot blame shifting was going on but this guy just said and pointed out some of the most basic things and it was like “oh holy shit no one’s at fault we’re just stupid”

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todays images are sponsored by my younger sister, clesh's ig, lp's art and myself - im gonna work really hard to make this webapp better and better. (also i started reading vagabond again and i cant express enough how much i like musashis way of discovering himself)

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#womp deper cut maybe?

regardless you know that saying - there’s light at the end of the tunnel?

i don’t have a care in the world about the light at the end - i just don’t want to be in the tunnel. i despise the tunnel and i don’t want to be in it anymore ( i know im repeating my thoughts its just how i feel)

not implying i want to die or anything although there are very very random low moments where i might have that thought it’s just like why do i have to experience things constantly why is there more action than stillness? even in that stillness something is happening - this reminds me of friends in chicago i was going up the elevator to a friends apartment and it was broken - through the awkward metallic, slow climb i could hear Etta James’ “Sunday Kind Of Love” playing softly through the walls. i reached the top and made my way out of the elevator. my friends apartment was one of the first on the left out of the elevator and to my surprise they had decorated the entire apartment with birthday things for me. streamers, balloons, gifts, etc it’s not that anyone has never done anything for me on my birthday but during that time i was really fucking struggling because it was the cold months and something about it made me cry and crumble so hard. even though we don’t talk or have a good relationship because of miscommunications and different perspectives - i’ll never forget that moment. i digress, it was supposed to just be a moment of me dropping by to say hi, something brief/calm and it turned out to be this huge grand moment where i fell to my knees. i think this happens too frequently.

i’m sitting outside after my walk just kinda taking in the semi cold air and the sun on my skin and i truly wish she got to soak up the sun with me even if it was just for a moment

whether i win or lose at the end of it (not really sure what either of those entail but) it doesn’t matter. i’m really confused on why i experience so many things all the time and why things can’t just be peaceful it was like with sd things were peaceful but there was always a moment where something was wrong and there was this experience of anxiety and conversation that had to be had i know if i had the opportunity to build something with anyone this would never happen again. this is the biggest contribution to her and is relationship ending, like theres nothing inherently wrong with being myself; however, theres aspects to how i listen/carry myself/speak that can be hurtful to others without me recognizing it

and i know this is gonna sound dumb but i really enjoy being plagued by negative thoughts in the sun/daylight i feel so much more equipped in battling them. like when it’s late at night and there’s nothing but the dark your own mind just wanders without you being able to guide it.

in the middle of writing the above statement this millenial girl said she really liked my outfit while she walked past me (she had a tiny white dog) and it startled me so bad that i jumped (im wearing a fucking highlighter yellow tshirt and some sweatpants)

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i really enjoyed spending time with chroar and clesh today, it always reminds me im loved when my friends are forced to go on an adventure with me. i also hurt a lot at really random intervals - like i feel really okay for a lot of moments and then boom im hit by a semi truck of grief. also i have this strange burning desire to slow dance with her - i think i saw some content where this couple was getting married and they got to have their first dance behind a curtain and i thought it was really beautiful.

song of the day is incredibly hard to chose from so two honorable mentions - "Put Your Head On My Shoulder" by Paul Anka, A Sunday Kind Of Love by Etta James. also insane that we have over 50 unique visitors and 500 page views and 1st supporter on buymeacoffee.

with ideas flowing and two left feet -thomas