well shit the d2d is how i start

• sleep was okay had trouble sleeping last night but nothing too drastic got up at 7:30 blasted by slack messages
• this threw a nuclear level wrench in my plans to get my eyes checked and see tummy doctor because i knew the problem would take a lot longer (i rescheduled eyes cancelled tummy bc i was unsure of timing)
• essentially one of the sheets was self nuking and had to solve it - did a bandaid fix and called it a day gonna have ry (goat) double check this later tonight when hes through with midterms (due to request from the original r r2 has been changed to ry)
• had to hop on call, explain that it wasnt my fault (small possibility it was but my scripts dont do anything but read the sections that were being deleted)
• made my bed washed my face brushed my teeth but went through that ringer first - i dont particularly enjoy starting my day like that i think its important to have the routine and consistency of what i need to do this felt like a very minor setback
• will still maybe go to the gym and do legs/lower back but I will 100% at least get 10k steps and a couple miles of walking
• im so surprised about how smoothly my laundry is going (still slow on the taking it out of the dryer and what not) but since ive been kinda consistent in the mornings on just putting at least some items away its been going really well

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anyways the real action starts during this work call my mom texts me and asks to get breakfast to which i agree and she comes over and sits in my room and watches me work and shes pretty confused but very chill and doesnt say much. when everything is done she tells me i dont have a lot of things and i couldnt really explain the reason why but thats for later regardless, I felt really unsure about spending time with my mom at first - she has a lot of ongoing problems with a kind of divorce where shes moving out of their house etc and she needs a lot of help from me (this is why i was considering skipping the gym to make sure im not sore as a mfer when i help her tomorrow) but the reason i was unsure is because she has a tendency to compare peoples problems to her to try to relate and kinda outlet herself and i genuinely cannot handle that right now at all - i wish i could carry other peoples problems and listen but i need to at least find my footing and then i will be comfy doing so

so where did we go and what did I realize

this is gonna be pretty long winded im not gonna lie but i feel its important to write down to look back upon we get into her car and im driving to this breakfast place (about 30 minutes away), she brings up my dad saying that shes never missed someone so deeply but its a lot easier since hes ya know dead its a concrete fact that she can handle she told me with p (current husband chill guy talks a lot i see where my moms problems lie) that she caved - she loves him the most shes ever loved someone and she would do practically anything and support him regardless of their situation

this is earth shattering news - not ms independent mom deciding that she genuinely cant face the pain of the world without having his assistance and support. its so crazy to me because shes spent so many months and years saying she didnt need him or anyone because she did it all when my dad died and she never needed anyone but this time was different, she was really vulnerable and read bar for bar their text messages to me. it was so jarring in comparison to her normal texts and character. she has never done this in my entire life and she even admitted she feels a form of shame because shes never done that in her entire life. the saddest part of it all is p questioned himself - he had doubt in his heart and said "i dont know if i love you anymore" to which my mother didnt have the strength to respond since she put her heart on the line and it was shot down. people change, their minds change, their hearts change, the most stubborn woman i know changed her heart and her mind only to be shot down. this idea is NOT to get confused with hope. its just a strong lesson that people can grow and develop in any direction. i think everyone should respect that (even though I know in many moments its close impossible to do so)

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I cried many times today in front of her and theres a lot of thoughts and feelings i HAVE to revisit (the concept of being a "man", what strength is, why/how i continue to step forward even if my hands and knees shake every step of the way)

I also want to clarify that this struggle is not just because the ending of my relationship (even though its a huge piece) but these are the months that I mentally struggle the most because the passing of friends and more specifically my dad when I was young i miss her and i want her back its okay if it never happens but i do want to at least be her friend (which im not ready for anytime soon and im deeply sorry for my empty threats(see day2 1am edit for details)) I think the thing about compatibility makes a lot more sense - it still feels like im to blame in a lot of aspects, my inability to keep harming feelings in the same way i have been is entirely on me, not sitting in me down in a more serious aspect would have been appreciated. Although I don't blame her for one bit of it and I blame myself for bits and pieces I can't imagine the difficulty she was facing knowing that she loves me and wanted nothing more than for me to hear her and it work out for the both of us.

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the rest so far? + minor analytics

mom and i went to marshalls (i had to throw up again which is crazy), homegoods, the bank, and that breakfast place. i bought a lot of new things for my bathroom to clean it up and make it feel a lot nicer, new better hangers because im gonna try to expand my wardrobe, and a front door mat for the house. i also got to see myu at the bank shoutout i still have dinner plans with r and g, i will be moving a lot of moms stuff tomorrow i will probably write more late tonight when the dust settles after dinner - going out is still hard but i think trying to actively listen has been not as a tall task as i thought it was.

shoutout to my first 30 unique visitors mostly from the US but also brazil, france, uk, and sk thank you guys for stopping by. I dont have deeper location tracking enabled or devices so I just see the country and how many (and bounce rate)

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fuck the intro to this song is so fucking good

"my mothers hands dont look the same" (in singing voice) -thomas