d2d summary

• basically the same as i had put earlier in the day
• seb came over after the previous entry and sat with me for about an hour talking about games and after giving him a debrief we parted ways - he almost always asks the right questions to provoke healthy thought surrounded by a lot of fluff its really interesting
• i got to get dinner with r and g it was pretty awesome
• i hit steps and walking goal but i didnt go the gym which is a bit of a shame and im going to sleep late
• food was decent except too much dairy at dinner make my tummy hurt a good bit
• a lot of really strong messages from a lot of people that keep me reminded that im loved
• im gonna go to sleep around midnight-1 which is kinda shitty but i think its worth it because i got to spend time with friends play some games which didnt feel terrible

subtle cut

g talked about his struggles with alcoholism at dinner and it made me think about the battles people fight internally all the time I continue to grow really tired of that like "lock in grindset" mentality bullshit - i think its really important to approach people with care and kindness. g was no exception even if he made a lot of jokes about his struggles they were still struggles and battles he constantly faces he doesnt get frequent validation when he wins and sobriety is something that should be celebrated. some people have sickness whether its physical or mental and most dont share these things. anyways genuine deep rooted shoutout to g. individuals can make mistakes but it really fucking is their responses that define who they are.

r brought up an old friend and i realized how quickly i was to spew something negative - I do very often take a moment to think before I speak but I also think perspective is important in these situations. what i mean is that you can have empathy sure but think outside of the 1-1. kant talks about the notion that perspective is not finite and i think i need to remind myself of this frequently. this also dates back to entry 2 i think where i talk about listening. its interesting how thoughts or concepts always end up connecting or building off of each other.

i was again wishing to be loved enough to always be forgiven - i saw an ig reel (screen time is actually so low its insane) where it was this gay couple and one of them was basically like "yeah i chased after him for years but through hard work and dedication to eachother it worked" and i think that is so beautiful not saying thats me and anyone in specific but i think its really pretty when people stand the test of time together and can just experience whatever and know that the end of the day it will always be eachother.

she who shall not be named texted clesh and im really dissapointed in her - i dont know what brought it on or why but i think the first words that come from her to him should be an apology. for the harsh words, lack of care/grace in most situations i think its probably hard for her to perceive it that way because she gets caught up in how she feels or her own space - this is not to say im any better than her but i know im constantly working to identify my habits of thought/feeling this interaction upsets me. she not only hurt me but the people closest to me and thats something thats incredibly hard to come to terms with/forgive.

i miss sd, i only cried twice about her today which i think is "progress" the things I said in her room where i wanted to build a life together and i wanted to do nothing but grow together still stands but its unlikely to ever happen i will continue to grow my own garden or rather work from burning what i have down.

this is kinda ugly to share but also the idea of she who shall not be named coming near me makes me deeply uncomfortable - i think about the softness of sd and it makes me realize how harsh and cold certain people can be. even in the most dark and uncomfortable moments she always found a way to speak to me with love. im a little sad that this end segment had me talking about to of my exs but it is what it is and thats what this is here for (writing sd as an ex makes me want to vomit she incomparible to other people ive experienced tbh just clears)

i had fun today, i hurt today, and most importantly: i tried today

with very open eyes but still very unsure footing -thomas

late edit after i got in bed

i need to add mobile support for my application so i can push to prod from here (i have NO idea how i can build this) but this’ll be added to entry 4 when i wake up

i put the orange blanket on g when him and r came over after dinner it smells like him which is kinda strange? i’ve never really had my bedding smell like a man that isn’t myself but the the hardest part of this is that r layed on her side of the bed

the scent in my pillows that she had only gotten on one of them because she almost always brought her own pillow to sleep with is fucking gone

i felt so strong today and i felt so tall but god i feel so fucking weak and small

god i miss her smell i miss her laugh i miss her voice i can’t keep writing with tears streaming down my face

i’m not mad at r at all and it’s probably for the better but fuck man i needed that the comforter smells subtly of sebas but the orange blanket smells like g and now the one pillow she used that i haven’t washed yet smells like r and fuck it hurts so bad