bare with me here

i think the idea of growth is really interesting to me. i feel like i share the earth with so many brilliant people but i also find it rather insane that people dont take the time to critically think this isnt to be on a high horse or say im better then another person because i dont think one person may inherently have more value than another going back to growth - those people that are lacking i wonder if they are happier? do they also have a load of problems that are all surface level but feel excrusiatingly deep to them? i wonder what their day to day is like also i really despise xcode and apple development i feel like they set the bar for entry far too high for anyone to have a nice experience learning - its really upsetting

i wanted to write this entry because tonight im having a hard time sleeping even though ive been up since the crack ass of dawn and did a lot today to keep myself busy theres a lot worry that i will shape myself into someone she would want but i think im also already that? i feel insecure and unimportant but i think that just comes with the hour of the night tragically enough damn my heart hurts and my stomach keeps randomly sinking i cant lay on your side of the bed

in better news?

aside from increasing my physical health i think this journal/diary is the best thing i can do for myself even looking at my perspective shift from 3ish days ago it is really thought provoking (and my notes app from 5 days) people tend to feel so many things all of the time and i think its valuable to learn from them but not take them all as seriously as you can. some things are better to just make peace with and keep looking forward some things are even better to just not aknowledge (ive had this conversation with seb many times) where he feels like most things need to be talked about but even in my very low and malleable state i dont think all thoughts deserve time? i think its really interesting how liberating long form expressing myself knowing someone somewhere can read it (even if they dont or if 100s do) - its like social media without all the drag of insights or likes or captions you just say whatever the fuck you want i disabled storing reader data no cookies no nothing so i could stop myself from checking who has read or if i have reoccuring readers (i have a reader count which is kinda cool but still restricted my access) there was 2 images i wanted to add with this post but im writing this from my phone and I havent properly figured out image support without being at my desktop which hopefully I can do tomorrow

i had a conversation with r maybe a month ago apologizing to her for my actions when we were younger. i really want to understand more about forgiveness - in faith (which im currently not practicing but going back to studying) its a powerful concept but in standard day to day how does it operate - i will make a conscious effort to be more thoughtfully apologetic to those i've harmed. I texted 2 friends the guy simply said he understood and appreciated it and the girl thought I had ulterior motives (i get it and theres no way to present it any differently? not that that was my intention at all). her and i's interaction reminded me of aj when we were kids, always thinking one was out to get the other in some way shape or form. Now i really want to talk to him and hear his old brother insight even if we havent had a real conversation in years.

doubling back to tomorrow - i have dinner with r and g , i need to go see court , gym, eye exam, tummy doctor, and hopefully falling in love with myself/my life. (no promises on any of these but i will try my best)

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with the same uncertainty in my steps -thomas