D2D b4 we get into it

• sleep was the best ive gotten in a long time i think its due to physical activity and genuine mental exhaustion from yesterday
• woke up went on a long ass walk before the sun came up it was excellent straight into gym which was back, arms, and chest 1 mile run
• food didnt eat till 11:30 but was really rewarding when i did
• its really nice to laugh with friends but it feels really scarce
• very numb until post gym
• i think todays photo dump will just be stuff that was impactful
• lover you shouldve come over has a completely different meaning to me now (will explain later)
• i feel like i should delete the image from intro after what happened last night

deeper cut

• i think every interaction (since i am hurting) is making me think in new ways i havent before - i often feel like im right but because my heart is unsteady it makes me listen and perceive differently
• i know healing is possible and will come with time but i need to fight with all my heart and mind to grow as a person while healing
• rotting and laying down is not healing it is for some but i must discover some kind of change. when i change i feel i can shed shitty parts of my character and heal
• while driving to see my mom today - jeff buckley's lover you shouldve come over was playing and it made me ball my eyes out, the handful of impactful lines were "My kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder, It's never over, All my riches for her smiles When I've slept so soft against her"
• honorable mention from the song is also "Too deaf, dumb and blind to see the damage I've done"
• I think you're really beautiful by starry cat was yesterdays sotd | when i was a lot younger this was the first song that i ever self harmed to

this really REALLY made me think about myself as an individual (mr buckley did), not just in my last relationship but in general the way i have approached my relationships with a lot of people isnt with enough care. i let things decay when i think they are comfortable i think this bleeds into every aspect of my life unironically. i grow complacent and i get lazy | with work, with school, with health, etc. the world never stops turning for anyone and you must always hit the ground running because if you dont youll get swept up by it all. i so desparately want to be the best version of myself for myself and those around me. im sad that it took me this long into my life to feel this way or determine it.

---

wins?

• a lot of the work stuff has settled and theres minor things i need to fix - i think im gonna keep building my clients up and offloading to people i trust and want to see succeed
• my grandpa im named after gave me a really really long hug for the first time in my life and told me that "some people just shouldnt be born with emotions to hurt others" and although his sentiment was legit insane i think he came from a really kind place and ive never seen that level of concern from a man who shares blood with me.
• i feel physically really well from my levels of activity and going out seems less hideous
• im really excited about some of the games ive been developing - i want to be more creative and express myself more even if its through development/working on projects and i think im headed in the right direction

the aspect of going out while im here was crippled from a young age for me. i think from ages 10-13 i used to play league all the time to avoid doing anything. i had 2 friends clesh and cl and they were both outsdie sports guys. they would come into my room on the daily and forcibly drag me outside. this continues now even as an adult but i think what killed it for me years ago was she who shall not be named - she made going out so incredibly difficult and always made me feel insecure about who i was, how i dressed, how i looked, etc. regardless i think i can grow into enjoying being with people more and being out of my comfort zone (this is such a maybe and definitely a pipe dream/hope but im trying so fucking hard)

late evening edit (8:30ish)

i went to pizza hut with chroar and myu its really nice to have friends who listen to you and support you - when i got home and we finished eating i went upstairs and as i walked up the stairs i thought of her and the hurt i felt of knowing that i cant call her to tell her about my day. i hope her day was good and i hope she didnt have to think about me (or if she did i hope it was pleasant). i also got mail from my friends in florida and it made me cry a lot it after i got back to my room - was just them saying they were sad that i couldnt make it to their wedding and that they were extremely grateful that i was so supportive/caring and that i got him off paris island after training

---

this next photo carousel kinda kicked my ass when i read it even though its corny i hope i can be loved enough to always be forgiven

---

with uncertainty in my own steps -thomas