note peoples names will just be letters? i think this is the best way to go about this

gonna start with d2d stuff before i dig deep

• slept significantly worse i didnt even know that was possible
• went on a mile walk before my roommates drove to me on the other side of the neighborhood picked me up and took me to ihop(i definitely needed this)
• overall food/activity so much better today
• i realize guys always make jokes about sleeping with someone after they break up and i cant express enough how much the thought of being close with someone else makes my skin crawl
• i got in trouble with a client because a sheet didnt work but i didnt break it this was extremely frustrating
• i called my mom 7 times today and its only 3pm
• dinner yesterday night was really nice but really depressing since it was kbbq and she be speaking korean

images that have enabled me

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talking to friends

so i've had maybe 9 conversations that extended over half an hour talking about what I think and what I feel (about my relationship and current position). it kinda made me realize that i always search for mental validation in my circle. kinda like an echo chamber but more willing to change my mind if my friends think i should. this is a problem and ive never made a conscious note of it till now to be quite honest i think the best conversation i had was with cj, shes an old friend but we had a sort of falling out because we were both dickheads as kids but its been years now so we got to catching up and i explained the previous sentiment about mental validation. to my surprise she said i had been doing that since we were young (r (probs my oldest female friend and one of the nicest shout out) had said something similar but in a different context) regardless shout out cj thats goat. another friend ja offered to cook me dinner and chat but i think they had ulterior motives so i declined respectfully i also called j and ush and they are the most supportive caring people ive ever encountered shout out them clesh watched me collapse on the floor and sob hes my brother and ill never forget that moment "kurapika is drowning in an indescribable pain" (im trying not to be a baby)

evening edit

i think the pain of losing someone who is still alive and that you love is far greater than losing someone who has passed away. then you have an objective fact as to why you cant see the individual. when the person is alive and loves you it hurts so much more even if its for the better. i think im gonna give in and run to her and try to ask her for another opportunity. i will shake any form of shame i have and just be honest i dont want to set her back but if it means another chance i will try, everyone including myself has told me open communication is whats best and we both agreed to space but i have to communicate with her i always told her that if i was ever hard to love to end things and i think ive done an okay job at listening and trying but i definitely could have done a much better job its one of those moments where you dont know what you have till its gone | and yeah we both could have done better but i do genuinely feel like i could have done more i should listen better not just to her but everyone i have the pre conceived notion that i have really high empathy which is true in some regard but it makes me think that conversations are linear like everyones thoughts and feelings are in a line and while this may be true to an extent i think there is a good handful of people out there who dont operate this way, they arent predictable and you cant just assume how theyre thinking or feeling i think i did that a lot with sd which led me to not doing more even if i was extremely patient and "understanding" theres not enough "i get it"s in the world to truly take care of how she felt in those moments when she needed me so i feel like i failed in that regard. the word listen is reshaping itself before my eyes and ears i hope this is a form of growth i want to grow with her and i want to understand not just her but everyone

1am edit

it was a mistake i said something amongst the lines of if this doesnt come to a resolution we will never talk again. i didnt mean a fucking shred of that i was just scared ive never been more scared of anything in my entire life. i hurt her and myself in the process all just to share my feelings | i think its important to do so still but that was the hardest conversation ive had in my entire life and im so deeply mortified by the pain i have caused with my words i hope she can heal and maybe in a long time we can have another conversation not about us but about anything good. i just hope with every fiber of my being that she doesnt resent me for trying and my empty threat of never speaking again was childish and inconsiderate to her.

always be kind -thomas