this has undergone 3 edits so the time stamp is so fuzzy but im writing this at 10/19/25 12:52PM

and tbh the post read time is bait but it is like 4000 words so bare with me

today’s post will be sponsored by mini mes journaling after i give context on why i have it - i’ll try to keep my own personal thoughts and feelings brief so we can break down hers and how i feel (edit this DOES NOT HAPPEN SO SORRY)

d2d

• eating, sleeping, and physical activity were lowkey lower last day and a half but hygiene is still peak and clarity is still pretty strong
• minor work stuff in the morning into getting mini me from her friends karate event into moms house into zaxbys into any% to taking bella to rehearsal (i wasn’t expecting this chain but it’s always fun to go go go)
• zaxbys forgot literally all of my sauce and my meal was ruined. this was probably one of the worst things to happen to me in a long time. you know when you have a really consistent expectation and then it’s shattered? it’s literally just that but i was so hungry and bro wanted a tender with tongue torch sauce - on top of this mini me was already late to rehearsal so we couldn’t eat together
• jy started grinding palia i mean clearing my plot doing quests went to the little night club thing in game and played table games together it was actually really fun to have someone help me grind and laugh about random bs
• i realized both of us didn’t have a saturday night ahead of us so i asked if she wanted to hangout and binge watch a show or something (since she brought it up earlier in the day saying that we should)
• also minor note jk is going to bar with a bunch of people that i cant come with since ex is going (not that i like the bar or anything)

jy came over i gave her house tour and we went to grocery store got chips, sweet treats, and then @ racetrack got slushies (which she’s never been inside a racetrack which is just simply insane) during the hangout jy and i are chatting with chroar, dp, myu, and hls telling stories and just generally having a good time eventually it starts getting late and everyone clears out so we’re just talking before she leaves - it was really pleasant to sit and share, i do feel a little insecure because i was really animated about a couple of things and i definitely feel like i talked too much

when she was about to leave i get a text from mini me basically saying “come get me step dad is here and im uncomfortable” i am floored. i don’t wanna be crazy or act crazy but all that moving i’ve done over the past couple days, the emotional labor in conversation with my mother, taking care of the both of them, etc - has the opportunity to go out of the window. so i walk jy out once again very grateful for the experience of spending time and i don’t want me talking about my mom to downplay how nice it was to just sit with someone lol. i got in my car, no music, 90mph, and very frustrated to get to mini me. regardless i get her (and kinda lock in so im not acting insane) and i walk into the house loudly, knock on moms bedroom door, and ask what are we doing?

in which my mom deflects and goes “im talking to my husband this doesn’t concern you or anyone else” and i just sighed said step dad should probably leave and that im the most disappointed in 2 people that i could be. the reason is pretty simple and its not hard to see but where’s the accountability or self respect from either of them? how do we spend months talking about how much we hate each other and how frustrating this experience is and how “WE WILL NOT BE TALKING” into instantly a candle lit bedside conversation at 1am that is very clearly after alcohol, your 15 year old kid is home, and you were just saying less than 12 hours ago how much you DID NOT want to talk or interact for a long time. you’re offering my little sister peace and safety and you’re jeopardizing that because you can’t manage your own situation or feelings. there’s plenty of more context and i would give more context but it would literal years of explaining it all.

it’s just so insane that collectively all of us went “damn this is really it mom actually means it this time” and we are all in support so the thought of this going out the window is just so defeating for all parties involved. if for any reason my mom reads this and we haven’t talked yet i still stand by this sentiment and im so sad that in the moment you could only think about yourself when you KNOW your presence carries weight. don’t act like you aren’t the most important piece to the puzzle for your grandkids, your children, your parents, etc. everyone is rooting for you so deeply and they have been since we were brought into this world and dad died. people need you and love you. and i’m not trying to be a dick because i love you more than you could ever comprehend but this feels (like i said) a really bad joke to everyone. more context for everyone else - this has been an ongoing debate of id be so much better alone and oh my husband did this and that. the entire time all of us have just been like 1.) be kind 2.) leave him if you feel this strongly. which she said she would hundreds of times. idk all the empathy i’ve been feeling for her over the past couple of months is slightly wavering which is really depressing to type.

it’s not that i’ll lose it or ever stop caring because that’s not possible and i know in the toughest moments is when patience and understanding is the most important. the only reason im having difficult is because it involves the person im most responsible for on the planet which is bella (sorry name drop for mini me). regardless mini me came over and we talked for a long time. she had told me that she read my journal and had a lot of thoughts and feelings about it that she wanted to share which i said she was welcome to. (they were all pretty positive and about our relationship) but i’m airing them out here to break some stuff down and talk about it a bit more. sensitive pieces are obviously removed but here it is (also this made me smile and punched me in the gut for many reasons) dis from mini me - for tom i have so much respect for the way you put your words and organize your thoughts

i feel bad for how much you think, i know it sounds silly but i don’t think i could do it

this is very different from our relationship but i want to connect with you on an emotional level if that makes sense, like i want you to know that i think about you and care about you and that you mean so much to me but i actually mean it frfr i think it’s so cool that we have shared experiences and have shared traits, even if we are different in so many ways we are still connected i want to know you as a person as well as a brother

i want to have big conversations with you but i can’t seem to find the right words in the moment with you - it’s kind of like i want to impress you and say the right thing but i end up not conveying want i really want to say i really feel bad for you and want to be there for you - i want you to know that i care about you but i don’t know how to show it to you i think because i look up to you so much, i think you know everything - you know how to articulate your words, you have friends, you are so so so so so smart - i think im afraid to look dumb i want you to know that im a real person and have struggles and i want you to know me as a person and a sister too - like i want to see you and not just say that we are doing bad or good, i want updates like we are besties - i think that what im trying to say is i want to be closer to you but i dont know how to i have so much respect for you in so many ways on so many levels it’s nice to read your diary and see how you feel, it helps me understand

END

---

first things first FUCK i love this kid so much. i know i express it a lot but she means the world to me and i would do anything for her. secondarily the first excerpt about me thinking too much feels really nice to be acknowledged and seen. she’s so much more perceptive of people and things than i was at that age and it’s incredible to see her grow up and “witness” things. there’s parts i removed about her own personal struggles because this was about the diary but we talked about it. just laying in bed laughing and poking fun together. i’m really glad you got to stay with me that night and you’re not only my sister but one of my best friends. i love you dearly and nothing can ever shake that. the relationship dynamic was really intriguing because i had to explain that i don’t do any form of facades. i am who i am in front of everyone theres no front i put on for her. i hope this was a nice connection and a step in the right direction for understanding/knowing me better. i also spent a lot of time talking about true empathy and how that has shaped who i am entirely - sitting alone and truly feeling alone throughout being a teenager and young adulthood was an opportunity to discover that putting people ahead of you, taking care of them, and understanding how they feel is what true empathy is. it’s not the last segment where you just say “i understand how you feel” and put yourself in someone elses shoes. it’s doing that then despite the situation or any environmental variables going “ill take care of you or im here” (the is almost interchangeable with true kindness). regardless i feel really passionately about her like that’s my own kid and best friend. i talked to jy and jk before sleepy time just to make sure both parties got home safe from their respective outings and said my thank yous to both of them for being my friends or spending some form of time with me. im at my moms house now with mini me who’s getting ready to go on a weekend trip with court to go to a concert. laying in her bed petting soup chatting shit. i’m excited for what comes next - dreading talking to my mom, and i genuinely hope jy and i can finish terror in resonance and watch arcane lol here’s photos of mini mes room and some of the cats maybe some extra image to show how i feel more. (this got editted new song of the day because i was frustrated while talking to mom )

if any of my siblings are reading this im sorry lol

it got so much more intense after this because of my silly decision making. the song of the day was playing while this interaction took place if you want to immerse yourself lol

court mini me and i took sibling photos and left moms house and to our surprise she was at mellow mushroom down the street. with who do you guess? mr husband. man i was hot. a hot in a way that makes your face boil. the anger that crept up my spine and flushed my face red is indescribable. what are we doing? do you think your actions and decisions dont impact anyone? if you place yourself in this position and fuck it all up, it all crumbles. this is not to act self righteous or entitled but i will not watch someone i respect, care about, and fear fuck their own health up over someone who has blatantly disrespected them. i needed to see cil since she just got baptized and i was proud of her - luckily she was there. i came into a large table of friends and family gave her a hug and her oldest daughter who was also baptized and my grandmother. neither mom nor mr husband could look me in the eyes from the interaction from earlier. i was going to leave abruptly before i said something out of pocket or i acted on my frustration.

mom chased after my car. she sat down next to me. the look in her eyes fueled the heat that was cultivating in the pit of my stomach. it was the same look all those years ago when i didnt move the laundry and she told me to leave the house. i was so sure i would never see that look again but fuck here it is right in front of me. ill try to keep it brief but - me: "dont you dare look at me like that. you cant even begin to think im in trouble or that i have wronged you" her entire demeanor shifts "you are so important to every single soul sitting at that table, your actions, relationships, ideas, decisions, and attitude impact every single person there." a long pause no words were exchanged

"mom do you know that theres only one person i truly fear in my life? its you." i proceeded to tell her that she was a light for everyone to move towards and everyone cared for her and took care of her as she did for everyone. i apologized for being so heated but i had to let her know that she needed NEEDED to start acting like the light that she was. she cannot make foolish decisions or act childish for her own sake regardless of her pain. this might sound harsh but no one ever checks her - no one steps to her, people dont have the will to sit down and go "you are being ignorant." she tried to escape the emotional labor by saying what happens in her own home behind closed doors is her exclusively her business. this notion is idiotic. have you no critical thought? ah yes my relationships that i develop in my own home stand to impact no one? i beg your finest fucking pardon? have you NOT SEEN NEARLY OVER A DECADE EVERY SINGLE INTERACTION YOU HAVE HAD COMPOUNDING INTO THESE MOMENTS WHERE EVERYONES TIME AND LIVES SHIFT AROUND YOU. regardless this was the climax where i explained that essentially she needed to pay attention to how she carries herself. (theres another segment about court mini me and her that i told her very bluntly that i have screws loose and i would do the unspeakable for them for a multitude of reasons) she cried a lot i gave her a guthreys napkin to wipe her tears and fix her makeup. she said she understands and gets what im saying. i told her that even if i wanted to mad at her while shes face to face with i cant. that shes my mother and regardless of her decision making i will always be in her corner even if i dont want to. i think there was irony in her asking me for grace because ive given nothing but grace since i was 14 for the decisions she made (i harbor no resentment for any of this but im entitled enough to do so). we both said i love you and she asked me to be patient with her which ill continue to do so. i really hope that i never find myself alone in a room with mr husband. i can keep my cool in most situations but the experience hes put my mother through is the type of things i'd break knee caps over. its hard to hold my composure when he has hurt her which in turn hurts everyone else. i understand he is struggling and has experienced so much grief, he is a broken man after all but at that age you cannot be putting your feelings of grief in front of your wife and children. its inexcusable.

im very tired of people making excuses for themselves and not taking ownership of their decisions its disgusting. truly makes my skin crawl when people deflect constantly. even in moments like these we have nothing but our actions and words so make something of them. plant your feet become immovable and be so bloody honest with yourself and those around you. when will you stop feeling this suffering and move forward? you have no other choice? not that suffering is comparable and trauma is trauma; however, i dont sit in it. i will not sit in it. i refuse to be similar to her or him in that regard and i hope you reader understands that pain does not define you. i hate corny motivational stuff but it is genuinely about getting back up. its always about getting back up and it will never not be. (this is also not to say you cant be hurting for months or even years but its how you manage it and are you going to perpetuate your problems for a decade?)

idk future note - i want to spend more time with everyone from home depot discord (play wow w mr invokation and legend katt)(i also wanna grab food and watch shows w jy) and i wanna see more jk and ush and spend time with the inner circle. i dont want to be angry it is not who i am | i want to permanently be calm and understanding and i wonder if i can actually manage that. i want to become steel - i want a physique that makes me feel like i can physically support my big feelings or anyone elses.

jk called while trying to close this entry to finish our conversation from 3am when she was drunkenly coming back from the bar with friends. shout out jk she is goated and a really good friend

a deep thank you if you read this whole thing lol i know its long as balls but i just needed to vent and talk about how i feel (it is what it is) i want to publically apologize if i come off as self righteous i just want it to be very clear that these are people that ive shed blood sweat and tears for and it hurts deeper than any pain when they are hurting. i will also acknowledge that my mother is correct in a lot of ways and i was too heated. i digress, thank you for reading this one.

i think the hotdog guy in palia said this one but

set your heart ablaze -thomas