d2d kinda

• not much has changed since earlier in the day
• i doubled down and went gym into lifting heavy stuff into my moms new house 3 times (which was a really bad idea)
• i ate like shit but got sushi with dp when i took him to kroger to pick uo his medicine because hes sick
• in mc bran finished the iron farm and we are starting to get ready to build our home
• i got to exchange texts w cj more in depth about the crazy guy and ais spent sometime w me otp while eating food + getting gas
• conversation continues with jy which is really pleasant but i have a semi-strong feeling that im bothering them
• in a really peculiar mood and currently sitting on the couch inside my moms new house - she hasnt moved here yet but i came over to finish building her bed framee and bring a god forsaken king sized mattress into the house
• i like feeling physically exhausted and my muscles being sore but i feel like it translates to my mind too easily

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fmcl?

the weird mood has led me to a couple of thoughts and there is things i kinda wanna go over from earlier in the day that i didnt expand on enough when i first sat down to write.

1.) whenever i am alone and i dont have to consider listening - theres so many things i feel i need to fix or work on. obviously its important to sit down and hone on or a thing or two and just progressively become better AND ive been trying to be less of an all or nothing person just someone who works hard in all avenues it doesnt have to be 200% perma and 0% in other categories - just simply 110% at most things i do is the desired state. regardless when i spend too much time alone i feel so strongly that i am not the best version of myself (for myself and others) i think there is categories i excel in but genuinely lacking in others. i miss delusional confidence - blind faith in myself and nothing else. just this idea that whatever i am confronted with i will handle it with grace and everything i have down to my core

althought its like "well thomas isnt that still there?" yeah, in a way. but after some reflection and time alone i realize that it is like i said delusional theres nothing to base my confidence in other than telling myself "ive been through worse or experienced this etc" like what gives someone true strength? i brought this up in like entry 4 that i wanted to explore the idea of strength later and i guess its still on the to do but i feel weak so frequently. just someone who cant do it? this is really hard to articulate but i just dont feel like an individual whos capable of true confidence. kinda like a conman or a scam artist but its my ability to do things ? i will return back to this thought some other day

2.) fuck i can do anything - and i dont mean this in a excited way that the possibilities are endless more like - i can literally go in any direction. games, literature, business, health, lifestyle, etc so many things are possible in all of these aspects and instead of finding comfort in this idea it strikes some fear in me. i want to grow but its hard to be sure that its the right type of growth? maybe thats the like "beauty" of it all is that you can do whatever you want but its really hard to chose that currently with this feeling.

3.) theres this insatiable hunger to win - it relates to the previous sentiment with direction i dont know what it is but fuck do i have to win fuck do i have to be the best. if i let this feeling overflow it bcomes fear. the fear of not being the best or doing the best i can which i guess is a double edged sword but it really feels scary and isolating idk its literally just like this powerful force in my stomach that tells me win or die and that there is no other option

honorable mention as well for feelings is the desire to trust someone completely and crumble in front of them and tell them how hard i hurt - i dont even have to tell them everything but someone to just give me a big hug and tell me everything is going to be okay without having to ask? i feel very unsure of lots of things tonight and less excited for the next day (in comparison to yesterday) for sure. i think im just facing exhaustion so ill probably head to sleep after this or at least try to

photo is just the kitchen it looked really comforting but strange to me tonight while i sat in mom's new house and mc interaction from earlier

i had to take a minute to crumble i dont feel any better but i think its important to share that i feel like im losing right now? idk if that makes sense im not gonna explode or anything but damn why does the thought of putting one foot in front of the other feel so dreadful? also i really didnt proof this one at all and im typing with one eye open so bare with me

i want to be better and i will be better it just takes time and hard work.

i love you -thomas

INSANE 1AM EDIT (its not that insane its just me being a fucking idiot)

my moment of weakness was far too serious god bless jk and ush - "the only thning that can counter a moment of weakness is a moment of strength" - ush I AM WEAK dude when i feel down i have this insane drive to just be like "man i need to have a conversation or have my back rubbed by literally any human being that i used to deeply trust" thus i had this idea to call she who shall not be named - i know terrible, i need to be shot 17 times and put down. in my moment of weakness i was like damn i should really call someone and ask what they think and i obviously know the answer so i called jk and mr handsome was there next to her but they flamed me back into calming down my decision making. i will NOT ever be texting ANY of my exs i am locked in i am strong, fuck feeling that weird feeling i felt earlier i can do this and life is good. laughing always helps so thank you to both of them so deeply for making me laugh and helping me lock in. i WILL BE GOING TO SLEEP ALONE AND IN MY OWN BED LIKE AN ADULT and this will not be happening again.